How to Be a Person: Hangovers

Actual real hangovers (via

Last night was the best night of your life – you went the first all campus of the year and danced your booty off, maybe even talked to that cute person you’ve literally never seen before. But this morning? This morning is the different story. Your head is pounding and your room has never been brighter. What do you do now?

Well, the first step is to put some water down your throat. But my tummy hurts! You cry like a little baby who has never been hungover before. Too bad. Your body, in all of its weird hangover quirks, is actually just begging you for some sort of hydration. Succumb! Succumb and you will become stronger!

After you get some water, you can go back to sleep. This works wonders – if you disturb your slumber early in the morning, chug some water, then retire once more and your hangover will be substantially less painful. If you find yourself unable to go back to sleep, you can stare at your ceiling in  your dark room and ponder the choices that have led you to this very moment, or maybe look through your phone to find some pictures you don’t remember taking. Whatever you choose, right now is about taking it easy.

After you feel sufficiently more alive (or alive enough to leave your room), it’s time to treat yo self! You didn’t earn it, you heathen, but it will make you feel so much better. You can head to the Deli or enjoy what Peirce has to offer, but the point is that you put more things in your body. Be wary of eating too much, though, because your tummy might say, “no thanks!” and upchuck. Hopefully you either don’t need to upchuck at all or are able to do it before you decide to eat some breakfast.

The next and final step is to continue on with your day. You may not feel totally better, but being hungover isn’t an excuse to not get stuff done – especially if you find yourself hungover on a weekend. Soldier on, my friend, and maybe take an Advil or two.


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