10 o’clock List: How to Make Friends
It’s been two weeks in this great big hole on a hill called Canyon College, and whether you’re a brand new fresh baby or an old withered squid–it feels like we’ve been here for months. But! But what if you ARE a brand new fresh baby and you visited Canyon in high school and fell in love?? But now you’re here and it doesn’t feel like you have ~found your peephole? Finding the people you can spend 20+ hours a day with, breakfast-lunch-dinner, every single goddam day is a real hard feat especially when you are too afraid to walk into Peirce Dining Hall™ alone. So, you’re lost, alone, and really hungry because the big boy cafeteria might not have a table just for big, beautiful You. The thing is, I am an old and neglected oatmeal raisin cookie that’s crumbling with every touch, but I am also wise and very good at making sheeple part of my tribe. Translation: I am good at making friends, and Now I Will Tell You How You Can Do it Too.
1. Take a seat on any table. Sit on top of the table. Do not even think about pulling up a chair to any spot you approach. If there are belongings on the surface shove them off like the important business person you are. Sit cross legged, and your new friends will flock like flies to honey. You’re the honey in this situation, don’t make me explain further please.
2. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Perform surgery on yourself, take that exacto knife you’ve been meaning to use for that sculpture class you’ll never take, and go to town! Open her up! You are “her” in this situation. Slap that sucker (read: sucker refers to heart) on your upper arm–now everyone knows what you’re about. High risk, high reward. “The high reward” is “friends”!
3. Give yourself a pep talk. Walk up and down that path between Peirce Dining Hall™ and Olin for several hours. While you’re pacing, audibly repeat “oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no” just loud enough for everyone around to hear. If someone stops you and inquires about your behavior, zip your lips together with an imaginary zipper. Shake your head and keep walking. If they stop you again, that’s who you can trust. Keep them close. Never let them go.
4. Join a club. Meet people with common interests. Talk about how you both like the same things. Put yourself out there. It is scary, but you will be glad you did believe me. That’s literally all my advice. Get involved I’m begging you.
5. Get a car. Get a car just to let other people borrow it. Never drive it yourself, just auction it out for the fleeting feeling of appreciation/validation/encouragement.