Wassup, everyone. We’ve all been coexisting in Gambier for about two weeks now, but if I’m being honest, I still get lost all the time. I know, I know. A junior, as poised and mature as me, is lost? It’s not as unlikely as it seems. So in order to better orient ourselves around campus, I’ve decided to take you on a simple, guided picture tour of Kenyon College. On this tour, we will cover many of Kenyon’s most iconic and campus-culturally relevant spots in the hope that maybe someday I won’t walk into Peirce thinking it’s Smather. Here goes nothing.
One of Kenyon’s best-kept secrets is that there is no proper “Old Kenyon.” What many people have so erroneously nicknamed Old K is actually Old Faithful. And get this: that geyser in Yellowstone or wherever is actually named after this building! A little-known fact is that Philander Chase only ever really wanted to be a park ranger. When he famously declared “this will do” upon setting foot on the Hill, he actually meant that he wanted to develop a national park here. Unfortunately for him, the National Park System wouldn’t be established for nearly another century!
Old Faithful has a few hotspots that you should know about. On the right of the north-facing side of the building we have “DEEP wing,” where the brothers of Delta Epsilon Epsilon Pi reside. The brothers of Delta Kappa Epsilon have never and will never inhabit DEEP wing. On the left end of the building we have what is known as the Upstairs Dungeon, where the brothers of Alpha Delta Phi live.
In the basement of Old Faithful you’ll find the Kenyon Swamp, most often frequented during all campus parties. Why we decided it would be okay to throw parties in one of the warmest and stickiest places on campus we’ll never know.
If you’ve ever been on a tour at Kenyon, you’re probably thinking that this part of campus is actually called the “Gates of Hell” on “Middle Path.” That path is actually very aptly named – even if you’re wearing the highest of high-tops, you will inevitably find yourself with gravel inside your shoes. “Middle Path” is just easier to say, which is why it stuck around.
The inconvenient stick is just a stick that has somehow cemented its presence on the “Gravel in Your Shoe Walkway.” Nobody knows how it got there, only that it cannot be removed. Upon first glance, the blocks to either side of the inconvenient stick are just anti-theft scanners, placed there by the LBIS gods who know all too well that Kenyon students are famous for removing any and all books from the library.
The last spot on our tour is the “Swanky Suite” otherwise known as Ganter-Price Hall, home of Kenyon’s most banger parties. To the left of the Suite itself is the mysterious shed. Literally no one, not even those who frequent the Swanky Suite itself, knows what’s inside. It could be anything!
The patio of the Swanky Suite is the cool-off spot, where children and gremlins alike gather to cool themselves off after they dance the night away indoors. It is an incredibly popular spot.
Last but certainly not least, we have Olin-Chalmers Library. A lot of people think that the library is actually in the middle of campus just beyond the anti-theft scanners – but that’s simply untrue. The ADs are the protectors of the library, as they are the ones who put on the annual Freshmen Literary Competition.
Well, that’s just a few of the most popular Kenyon spots. I just wanted to clear up some common misconceptions people have about the names of buildings, because there is nothing I hate more than someone being blatantly and ignorantly wrong.