Hi Freshmen! It’s almost mid-September and you know what that means. You’ve been at Kenyon for over a fortnight! Isn’t crazy to think that less than a month ago your parents blindfolded you, drove you to Gambier, OH, and then threw you out of the car leaving you with a gift card to Pep Boys and a GG Allin album. Your parents are fucked up. But then you learned that you had been accepted to Kenyon Class of 2020 and all was well. You moved into your room, you met your CA, and then you met your hallmates. One of your hallmates particularly stuck out to you. Not because she only spoke in Latin and engraved her name and the date of her death on her door with her fingernail, but instead because she’s from the Bay area and you think she might know your friend Kyle.

I know you have been trying to make a connection with her, but all of your efforts have been thwarted from either the sub-zero atmosphere that surrounds her at all times or the text messages you receive from your ancestors whenever she is near. Whatever it may be, you’ve tried and have inevitably failed at becoming friends with the coolest girl on your hall. So here are a few tips on breaking the layers of ice with your best friend to be!

1. Ask her about the war. Which war? Any war! She’s 400 years old. I’m sure she’s got a few good stories up her sleeve.
2. Invite her to work out with you at the KAC. You don’t think she works out because her bones are mahogany and blood is a hundred percent mercury. You are dead wrong. I mean c’mon, you saw her throw that Toyota Camry 200 yards when it was parked in a spot that she wanted. She’s a fitness nut.
3. Go to Peirce with her. Watch her as she walks through everyone to get to the front of the line in Fusion. See as everyone behind her in line is shivering in a fetal position. Isn’t she majestic?!
4. Ask her about her hometown and if she does in fact know Kyle. If she doesn’t know him by name she will definitely know him by every sin he has committed.
5. Compliment her on her voice. I know she sounds like all your dead relatives whispering at the same time. It’s unique, appreciate it.
6. Listen to that GG Allin album your parents gave you with her. She loves GG Allin.