Hi buddy! How’s your weekend going? Drink any appletinis? Haha. RUN! You’re being chased, and I know for a fact that your legs aren’t especially long. Those guys chasing you sure look angry. What did you do?? Please don’t answer, there is no time. The point is to run fast enough to evade the long, clutching fingers of those guys. They are so speedy. Please go.
- Angelo. Angelo is swift and cruel and eats sandwiches with sweet pickles inside. Please do not get caught by Angelo, for he will surely swaddle you like a baby and kiss you on your forehead with his swift, cruel lips.
2. Gareth. Gareth is slow and methodical and keeps several ant farms. If you get caught by Gareth, he will show you all of his ants, even the bitey ones. Gareth enjoys Escape (The Piña Colada Song) unironically. Avoid Gareth at all costs.
3. Bones Jeremy. Bones Jeremy has a tattoo of a skeleton eating a large turkey dinner. He will catch you. It is inevitable. He is so very fast and quiet. Bones Jeremy is Kind and Good, and will surely take care of you until he buries you in his compost heap.
4. Pat. Pat likes to run and jump and stretch his hands towards the sky and whimper with joy. Be careful of Pat, as he loves nothing more than to burrow deep into tree trunks and whistle out of his nose. If he catches you, he will legally change your name to “Sack of Yellow Onions” and there will be nothing you can do about it.
5. Silly Mike. Silly Mike was molded from clay, and clawed his way out of the depths of the earth on your Mom’s 16th birthday. Silly Mike has swords for teeth and flames for eyes, and enjoys the occasional game of croquet. Silly Mike will text you all the time about what the Stats homework is, and is always too busy to grab lunch. Stay away from Silly Mike.