Overheard: Lance Bass Day

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he’s so funny

I am officially calling today Lance Bass day, because this is the day he walked his NSYNC-alum-ass self onto the Hill and demanded we flock. And boy did we flock. If you’ve graduated, or you’re studying abroad, or you’re stuck on 3rd floor Olin with no end in sight–we’ve got the highlights for you. The informed electorate deserves to know what happened. 

  • Lance Bass is campaigning for Hillary Clinton on a thing called the The LGBT Campus Tour. There are other *famous* people on this tour as well, but no one gives a shit about them. It’s a minivan that transports Lance Bass from unsuspecting college campus to unprepared college campus.
  • Lance Bass arrived at Kenyon and mostly everyone didn’t know he was coming. He arrived at Wiggin Street Coffee and ordered a large iced Americano. Later in the day he hadn’t finished much of it. I think he figured out Wiggin mostly puts water in their iced espresso drinks.

  • Lance Bass walks everywhere with a big camera crew and five students on average trail him at a time. I sat on O’Connor Porch and watched as he walked by essentially filming a reality show that I hope is called “I’m Lance Bass, I’m Gay, and I’m voting for Hillary.” 
  • Members of women’s rugby drive by in a car blasting NSYNC. Lance raises his half-drunk Iced Americano in the air. I can’t hear him, but I somehow know that he is audibly screaming “yaaaaassss.”
  • He speaks at Peirce Hall. Where? I don’t know. I imagine him standing on Peirce Pub stage. I also imagine him speaking from behind the Fusion stove whilst simultaneously making omelettes. I will have mushrooms, spinach, and tomatoes– a little bit of cheese Lance. Don’t fuck this up and add the potatoes into the omelette, Lance. I want them on the side.
  • While speaking to a decently informed and extremely shocked electorate in Peirce Hall (location unknown) he allegedly keeps telling the crowd that “Donald Trump is America’s Sanjaya.” America the Beautiful plays, fade to black.
  • He takes photos with students, faculty, and informational signs all over campus. I hear him ask a member of Unity House if he can “google map” himself there. They say no. He puts a handprint on the Unity House wall. He is genuinely a good dude.
  • He takes photos with students, one person has the following conversation with him:

Me: wait before we take this photo I want to put my pin on so everyone knows we’re both with her

Lance: [is silent]

Me: ok well this is a very big occasion for me! I am missing work to be here!

Lance: where do you work?

Me: The Kenyon College Writing Center! Stop by we have office hours till 10

Lance: ok

  • Lance Bass has an event at Oberlin at 5:15. He left as fast as you fall asleep; slowly, but then all once.  He gets in his minivan and flies away into the sky. We love you Lance Bass.
  • Have a story about Mr. Bass that we didn’t publish? Comment below!

2 responses

  1. Lance Bass signed my photos from 5th grade. I said to him “Will you sign these photos of me from 5th grade? I just look really good in them” Lance says “Oh wow! Much better than me, you should see my 5th grade photos”

    He hasn’t sent them to me yet, but I’m waiting

  2. Pingback: Kenyon College Releases Plans to Dig a Hole into the Earth and Then Fill it Up Again This is Not Satire | The Kenyon Thrill

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