Let’s face it, this nation’s call to enfranchisement has caused Gambier to become what many are calling “The Hollywood of the Midwest”. From Lance Bass to the woman who looks like my mother (but happens to play a Russian mob-wife on TV), Kenyon has become a hotspot for all that vaguely glitters and all that’s somewhat gold in this election season. But, due to my chronic feelings of inadequacy, I need more! So, here’s a list of other strange and random celebrities who could waltz into Wiggin at any point in the upcoming weeks and ruin my chances at snatching a decent study table.
- Gideon, The Tiny Horse: The fine, equine actor that plays Lil’ Sebastian in a little known documentary about Pawnee, Indiana, might not be a valued political figure…but he does play one on TV.
- Jonathan Green: The lesser known Green brother* who sells Black Beauty Grass Seed Mixture… “Sure there’s a lot of grass seed to chose from, but Jonathan Green is a brand that rises above the rest!” Wow! With that kind of confidence, he’s got my vote!
- Joe, The Man Who Replaced Steve on Blue’s Clues: Y’all remember when Steve, who never showed signs of desiring higher education, went to college and was replaced by his blue-shirt-wearing, controversy-starting cousin, Joe? That sh*t was cray. I just need some closure.
- The Person Who Runs the Lorde Kenyon Facebook Page: Here to talk to us about the importance of social media in this election, and to address rumors about a possible affair with the person who runs the Philander Chase Facebook Page. Scandal!
- JoJo: Coming to tell us that it’s never too little, too late to vote! Also, I’m ready for her to bring flair jeans BACK. It is time.
- Heppy the Pug: Rutherford B. Hayes? More like…Rutherford Better Be FAZED by this significant political figure who calls Kenyon home. No one comes close to Heppy’s level of fame and fortune.
- Ben, Of Ben and Jerry: Visiting in an effort to start a solo career a la Mel B (aka Scary Spice) when she joined the critically acclaimed America’s Got Talent.
- Michelle Obama’s Bangs, circa 2012: My grandmother inexplicably hated them, but I’m willing to give them a second chance.
*Not related to Kenyon Alum, John Green, but presumably a brother of someone with the last name Green.