At Kenyon, we live a life where the longest amount of time it will take us to get anywhere is about 15 minutes, and that’s if you’re walking slowly. Because of this, time is precious. Every minute counts. Who wants to go through life floundering around, unsure of how long things will take or how long they might have to wait for something? Certainly not me, which is why I’ve come up with some equations that are essential to your temporal success at Kenyon.

1. An equation for how long it will take you to get your lunch from Peirce, where s= the number of stations that have actually edible food that you are willing to put in your mouth and h= the amount of hours before or after the 12 o’clock rush. The 20 is just an added 20 minutes for the amount of time you will spend in Peirce over the course of your entire meal.

2. An equation for how long you should wait before acknowledging your hookup’s personhood in Peirce, where x= the amount of times it has happened; y= the amount of drinks you had prior to the event; k= the number of days you have known them prior to touching tongues; and r= a number on a scale from 1 to 10 of how much you enjoyed the experience.

3. An equation for how long you will be in the library tonight, where x= the number of classes you have to do work for; f= what floor of the library you are studying on; and w= the number of weeks before or after midterm week you are attempting to complete your work. The 2 is because you already know that you’ll waste, over the course of your entire time at Olin, 2 hours hanging out and chatting with friends.

4. An equation for how many minutes it will take you to get to your 8:10 in the morning (useful for deciding what time you should set your alarm), where b=the amount of time you usually spend at breakfast at Peirce; w=the amount of time you’ll wait in line for your coffee at Wiggin; q= the amount of time you spend in the shower in the morning; and m= the distance between your home and your class.

5. An equation for whether you should get tomato tortellini on Sundays, where x= whether you should get that sweet sweet tort and 1=yes.