via walldevil.com

The Kenyon music scene has been on fire recently. With Saturday’s Jungle Pussy performance fast fading from our ringing ears, students are chomping at the bit for more shows. The Horn’s wide reaching booking abilities are impressive to say the least, so we can’t begin to guess what hot artist is stopping by campus next, but we can say with confidence which bands won’t be coming to Kenyon any time soon.

1. Reservoir Tip: This band offers a sick sound, but no, won’t protect you from semen borne STD’s, unlike an important condom feature of the same name. Despite Reservoir Tip being ribbed for her sonic pleasure, unfortunately, they can’t make it to campus this year.
2. Brown Whisper: We’re really upset about this one. There’s a huge population of Whisperers at Kenyon who are super disappointed with their favorite group. Especially with the release of their new album “Tell it To My Ass,” featuring Billboard Top 100 hit, “Ointment Ghoul,” we were really hoping they’d stop by Gambier. Maybe next time.
3. Girth: Can’t say this one was unexpected. With drummer Will It-Fit’s recent drowning, the band is on hiatus. Hopefully they’ll start making hits again soon. We miss you Girth!
4. Lay Me Down and Tell Me Why I’m Covered In Scales (LMDATMWICIS): Aw man, really? This boy band has been staple of 2016, practically inventing their own genre. Rocking out with 4 guitars, 2 drummers, 6 vocalists, the Nixon Tapes played backwards, and the screams of a computer who knows it will never fall in love, its a real shame we’ll have to wait another year to see this musical legend in the making.
5. Koitus Fish: Yup. Them too. A midwest alt-rock favorite, Koitus Fish got wrapped up in a brutal lawsuit this year and can’t make it to Kenyon. To tide their fans over, they just leaked a new track, “Does this Song Make Us Look Fat?” Check out their Go Fund Me to help them pay off their massive legal fees. The sooner the trial is over the sooner they can play at The Horn.
6. Nips: This one may be the most tragic of all. The breakout band from Downstate New York has everyone singing their teenage anthem, “Pointy Love,” Kenyon students included. Sadly, lead singer Helen Quail announced her retirement from music earlier in the month. She gave her rationale, stating, “Nips got way too big. Too hard too. Way too big and hard.” Sigh.