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Tim Kaine and Lance Bass Want Me To Early Vote, Lena Dunham Doesn’t Care

November 1, 2016

Image by © Epoxydude/fstop/Corbis

Brave soldiers of democracy, the time is nigh. Like Cinderella at midnight, the Ganter at four in the afternoon, and myself when the sun sets, in one-half of a fortnight, on November 8th, the magic spell that has made our academic institution so appealing to celebrities and politicians everywhere will be broken on the hallowed land of Gambier, Ohio, and we will be left in the dust of our politically naked selves, undesirable and, undoubtedly, going into the servery for yet another round of Peirce pizza.

So how may we preserve what charm and appeal we have thus far been able to meekly maintain? How might they remember us when the Grande Soiree of enfranchisement ceases?

Cinderella had her glass slipper.

The Ganter has leftover cans of Keystone and ghosts of poor decisions.

My bed has unfortunate remnants of popcorn kernels tangled in its sheets.

And Slambier, Brohio has early voting.

From now until November 7th, at any working hour, the Knox County Board of Elections is open for you to exercise your right to fill in a bubble and get a cool sticker. If the strange obligation to vote early due to the fact that an eerily step-fatherly figure told you to last week isn’t strong enough, here are some other reasons you might engage is premature electing:

  • Cuz you ain’t got time for this shiz. Yes, voting on November 8th is patriotic and sentimental, but if you can move past your journaling, turtle-neck-wearing desires for a moment, you may realize that the paper you have due on the 9th is not going to write itself while you’re standing in line at the polling place behind all of the rest of Kenyon’s procrastination nation.
  • Cuz you want that sticker. This fall’s biggest fashion trend is Knox County’s “I <3 Voting” sticker, and you know you want it.
  • Cuz you need validation. That’s right. You can say you cared about America before it was cool.
  • Cuz you’re hungry for friendship. The women working the early voting polls are kind, sweater-wearing souls, and this is the quickest way to erase the guilt you feel over not calling your Grandma all semester. Satisfaction guaranteed.
  • Cuz you like to win. Studies, and trendy Hillary Clinton slogans, show that “Early Voting Wins Ohio”.
  • Cuz you want to tell your mom.

“Okay, you’ve convinced me: what do I need to do?”

Well, soft-spoken-italic-inner-voice, grab the last four digits of your social security number, memorize your dorm address, and get a kind friend with an automobile** (or a knack for hitch-hiking) to drive you to 117 East High Street! Then, follow the beautifully crafted, heavily clip-arted signs to figure out where you need to be and what you need to do!

**You know the good souls who sit in the front of Peirce with patriotic signs? Go up to them. They know people who know people who have cars. Sign up for a time. Make their day. Make MY day. I’m invested in you.
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