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I’m Drinking Only Soylent for Four Days Straight Because Who Cares We’re All Gonna Die Someday

November 2, 2016

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You heard me. It’s Soylent time. I’m done with long salad lines and eggplant parmesan and tenderly trying to fold that panini paper onto my tuna salad wrap while wild freshman boys scream as they attempt to panini press 16 cookies at the same time. No more. I’ve decided to go where no Kenyon student has gone before: this week I’m drinking soylent instead of food. 4 days. Only Soylent. I am strong. I am brave. I’m doing this for journalism. 

What is soylent? Answer: I have no idea. According to their website, it’s this:

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But according to other sources, Soylent is this:

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Cool! That seems harmless, right? I’m currently on Day 2, here’s an update on my experience so far.

Day 1. 

7:54 am. Woke up devastatingly late for my 8:10. Thankfully, I had my Soylent prepacked in my backpack. So far, so good. (note: I hadn’t actually tried it at this point).

8:15 am. The first taste. Wow. It tastes like thick cereal milk that was somehow blended with a loaf of bread.

11:00 am. I don’t know when I should drink my next Soylent meal. I’m hungry. I only have three a day. How do I do this? Why do I want to cry?

12:30 pm. Drank second bottle. Feeling full of liquid, not sure if this is what I want.

2:31 pm. I just realized I’m going to be awake for easily another 12 hours and I have one more bottle 16 oz bottle of science milk to drink all day. 

3:30 pm.  I should’ve thought this through more.

4:30 pm. Hungry. No jokes here. Just sadness.

5:14 pm. Disaster struck. After the realization that I left my third bottle of sustenance in my faraway New Apt and won’t be returning till 10 pm, I’ve given in. Day 1 and I am a failure. Worse, I was caught in the act by my biggest Soylent supporters. They documented my shame:

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The rest of the day I felt too ashamed to document. My sacred covenant with the Soylent broken. But I am not giving up that easily! As I write this, I’m drinking big ol’ bottle of yeasty space milk. Stay tuned for how the rest of this mess will pan out!

 

 

 

 

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