Warning: The following is semi-educational, and contains fowl language. not recommended for anyone who can’t handle mad skillz or patriotic puns.
My fellow Americans,
The political season is officially upon us, and with only 5 days remaining before we decide the future of our country (seriously though, no pressure,) I want to draw your attention to another heavily contested battle in our nation’s history. Now, we’re all familiar with the E Pluribus Unum and the Bald Eagle holding the laurels in one foot and the arrows in the other, but did you know that designing this seal left the house of our Founding Fathers divided until 1782? Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both agreed that the bald eagle was the fierce, powerful bird America needed to maintain its facade of invincibility coming out of the Revolutionary War, but good old Benjamin Franklin wasn’t so sure, claiming the wild turkey was an apter representation of the infant nation’s spirit. Two local birds, locked in intense competition for the crowning position of America’s symbol. We all know how the debate ended, but I’d like to revisit the discussion. Inspired by the great Alexander Hamilton, I present a rap battle for the history books: Bald Eagle v. Wild Turkey.
(Best read with a sick beat behind it.)
Presiding moderator Anderson Cooper’s Hawk: Welcome everyone to the first and only National Symbol Debate: the Battle of the Birds. Introducing our two contenders; the current symbol of these United States, Mr. Haliaeetus leucocephalus, and the challenger, Mr. Meleagris gallopavo. The honorable H. leucocephalus has the floor.
Eagle: Ladies and Gentlemen, I really must protest.
I mean, how in the world is this even a contest?!
Have you seen me? I’m huge, I’m imposing, I’m regal.
Hello America, I am the fricking bald eagle!
Soaring high in the sky, I turn your blood ice cold
With my flashing, smashing talons and my gleaming eyes of gold.
Our founding fathers saw me in all of my glory and lo
And behold, I wind up stamped across all of their precious dough.
Yo, they needed a fighter, a fierce bird of prey
To keep the British from invading Chesapeake Bay.
I crush fish and tear flesh with a snap of my beak-
No one will ever think that the state of our nation is weak.
Now, who should represent you, a warrior in the sky
Or a flabby-necked dunce who can barely fly?
When it comes to a symbol, there’s no stronger competitor.
C’mon people, you don’t mess with the predator.
Anderson Cooper’s Hawk: A strong defense from the current titleholder. Mr gallopavo, we now turn to you.
Turkey: Oh, Mr. Eagle, in your vanities you revel
But I’m down-to-earth, so everyone get on my level.
I think we’re all sick of listening to you harp, sir.
Don’t you think there’s more to honor than just looking sharper?
I’m unique to the USA, this land was made for me,
Meanwhile non-bald eagles are more widespread than KFC.
I’m bold and colorful, my plumage so bright,
Because you see, America is much more than brown and white.
But I can also puff my chest up and really get aggressive.
All the hens agree that my figure is impressive.
When it comes to displays of strength, you’ll see I have no rival,
‘Cause unlike you I know a thing or two about survival.
But I don’t need any DDT to make you stop talking,
I’ll spoil your nest with my rhymes until you’re walking
on eggshells. I’m the underdog, the humble dweller of the understory.
You may be a big bird, but you lack guts and glory.
Anderson Cooper’s Hawk: Mr. Eagle, your defense?
Eagle: Oh say, can you see this imbecile on the ground?
I say Tom, do you hear how ridiculous you sound?
Strutting around, just puffing and waddling,
This is a real debate, so let’s stop with the dawdling.
And you say I’m hot headed, ha! Cut the charade,
You’re more garish and gaudy than the Macys parade!
I adorn every flagpole everywhere in every state.
The only place you look attractive is on a plate.
I’m on every postage mailing, every government label,
While no one wants to see you, unless it’s on their table.
On a Thanksgiving platter of your drumsticks piled high
Is the closest you’ll ever come to American pie.
Are you gonna cry? I’m thirsty, so someone fill my cup,
While I stuff you with breadcrumbs and then gobble you up.
You’re looking plump and juicy and I’m weary of fish,
What if I snapped your clavicle in two? I know I’d get my wish.
Anderson Cooper’s Hawk: Ooh, roasted! Can he recover from that or must he accept defeat?
Turkey: Oh, threats of violence, really, that’s so mature,
Can’t you see this country’s sick and tired of being at war?
Yes it’s true that my meat is the source of my fame
But hey, at least one of us birds has some game.
You’re pathetic, if you thought those threats would frazzle me,
Did you believe you could ruffle these feathers so easily?
First, you eat so much trout they oughta call you halitosis,
And the way you feed is not so much predation as symbiosis.
You don’t hunt, you just hustle other raptors ’til they forfeit.
Under your name, it truly is the Bully Pulpit.
Your rank reputation makes the U.S. less appealing,
Even Ben Franklin knew that you lacked true moral feeling.
Face it, Baldy, you’re a fraud, no action, all talk,
Heck- they dub over your voice on TV with a red-tailed hawk!
But, I do get why old dudes in powdered wigs said yea
To a bird whose head’s turned white before his 5th birthday.
Anderson Cooper’s Hawk: Word. Bird is the word.
Well Kenyon, who’s got your support? Comment with your vote and remember, history has its eyes on you…