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The False Promise of Respectful Difference

November 14, 2016

This piece was guest written by Biz Berthy ’17

CW: This piece contains descriptions of sexual assault

The other week I was reading through a series of court cases from 17th century Virginia. My comps topic, very broadly speaking, is on gender and race in early American society. As a history major, and one who is interested in early America in particular, you get used to reading bizarre descriptions, to seeing strange illustrations, and so on. Most of the times we laugh at their absurdity, because we cannot fathom the idea of finding even the faintest trace of the same logic in our society, in our own communities, today. That is what history is: a narrative we tell ourselves over and over and over until it is finally engrained in our minds and we no longer have to even practice the act of storytelling; it is given. Yet, as I read through these 17th century documents, I found a case that I could not laugh at, not only because of the atrocious nature of the crime, but also because I saw an undeniable similarity between the way the case was handled then and the way that rape cases are handled today, four centuries later.

In 1689, a young Eliza Farrell and her husband pressed charges against Thomas Seawell for raping Eliza. According to Eliza, Thomas followed her home, sexually assaulted her with an ox horn and a lit candle, and then publicly shamed her by singing her pubic hair and shoving it in her husband’s face. Instead of Thomas facing swift and immediate punishment, the court chose to highlight the fact that Eliza was “swinishly drunk,” and unaccompanied by a man. Given that, they settled on Thomas simply paying a fine to Eliza’s husband, Brian, for “damaging” his property, and therefore, his honor.

Reading this, I was suddenly catapulted to this summer, in the year 2016, when I first read about the Brock Turner case- a rape seemingly so clearly abhorrent, so clearly violent, that I was foolish enough to believe that there would be severe consequences for his actions. And I was exactly that: foolish. Brock Turner received a sentence of six months in county jail, and was released after only three.

Then, suddenly, I also recalled the time when my American abroad program told me that violence against women was a “culturally specific” phenomenon. That my negative reaction to being groped, smacked, and spat on by men was merely a function of my inability to reconcile my “culture shock.”

And now, sitting here two days after the election, I find myself asking: what will it take for people to believe that violence against women is a fundamental aspect of American society, within our very own communities, as well? When Trump proudly defended “grab her by the pussy” people reacted in shock. Men’s sports teams wrote letters of defense: “That’s Not Our Locker Room Talk.” But not even a week earlier, some of my classmates heard the chant, “fuck her up the ass!” echoing out from a house filled with lacrosse players and frat members. Just yesterday, screenshots from the Columbia’s wrestling team’s GroupMe were published. Here are some of the highlights: “We would run the town in any state school fuck those feminist bitches,” “Columbia bitches in reality are all ugly socially awkward cunts,” and (just when you think it couldn’t get worse) “I hope someone actually gets sexually assaulted.”

Quit fooling yourselves. It is your “locker room” talk, it is your normal, day-to-day “banter.”  If these examples from 1689 and 2016 haven’t persuaded you to see that, does the reality of Trump’s presidency? The man who proclaimed “grab her by the pussy” is now our president. The man who has had several women over the past year publicly accuse him of sexual assault is now our president. If that doesn’t convince you, then I don’t know what to tell you.

I feel weighted by grief. I feel disgusted that 400 years has passed since Eliza Farrell and Thomas Seawell and still nothing has changed. I worry about my own future, my own safety. I worry about these things all while knowing that I pass for white, and that there will be even harsher realities for my mother, my sisters, and other women of color.

But, most of all, I am tired. I am tired of this narrative of American exceptionalism, the belief that America can do no wrong. We are constantly pointing our fingers at other countries to divert attention away from our own violence. We are constantly making incidents like Eliza Farrell and Thomas Seawall into artefacts of the past so that we can preserve our beloved narrative of the present tense. And, if we can’t completely erase an atrocity from our history, we tweak the narrative. Racial violence suddenly gets turned into the product of economic peril, because in that scenario all we have to do as a society is fix the economy and racism will go away. Sexual assault suddenly gets turned into the product of drinking culture, because in that scenario all we have to do is stop getting “too drunk” and then women will stop getting raped. The list goes on and on.

I no longer have the patience for these narratives. I no longer have the patience to read messages from my peers that encourage me to accept these narratives by urging me to remember that, at the end of the day, “we are all members of this hill, the Kenyon community, and this nation.” The reality is that we do not all belong to single and cohesive community here, and the responses after Trump’s election that claim otherwise have only further confirmed this for me. My community does not make excuses for those who chant “fuck her up the ass!” My community does not actively intimidate the students of color on this campus. My community does not give platforms to individuals who publish articles that explicitly label the Muslim and Middle Eastern students here as terrorists. My community is not okay with the way in which the Kenyon administration has repeatedly failed to uphold the rights of survivors of sexual assault, of their student workers. I am not okay with any of these things, and if you are, I do not want to be a part of your community.

You are asking me for respectful difference and I don’t have it in me anymore. Sure, we can disagree and still like each other. You like the color purple, and I don’t. Fine. But we will not disagree and still like each other when you are arguing for a cause that is rooted in the marginalization of myself and others. I cannot bear watching my friends of color, my queer friends, my trans friends, my fellow women being asked to “respectfully” explain and defend their humanity to people anymore. When you ask for respectful difference, you are asking for the creation of yet another false narrative, because in that narrative all we have to do is tell the victims of the Columbia wrestling team’s hate speech, the people who heard the house full of men chanting “fuck her up the ass”, Eliza Farrell, Brock Turner’s victim, and on and on, to respect those people’s opinions and then racism and misogyny will suddenly disappear. Respectful difference has not, does not, and will not change the narrative. What does produce change is intervention.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. man permalink
    November 14, 2016 9:31 pm

    I have to say, I really appreciate you not wielding blame to strike at any one group– not saying that it is specifically white cis men or specifically athletes; you really helped me understand this as a greater issue than just the individuals who commit these acts. I hope to read more from you in the future.

  2. November 14, 2016 11:19 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this, Biz.

  3. Anonymous permalink
    November 16, 2016 5:29 am

    This is why most people would rather have cancer than feminism.

    • Jenny Ruymann, Class of 2015 permalink
      November 16, 2016 11:10 am

      Who are you? Can you explain this comment please? What quantifiable data do you have to support the claim of “most people”? Can you clarify what exactly you are reference with the demonstrative pronoun “this”?

      Or, if your comment is not meant to engage with any of the well-crafted arguments Ms. Berthy has made here in this article, and rather, to just be a troll – well, then, that’s a different story. I would suggest two things to you: volunteer at Ohio Eastern Star Home: http://www.oeshome.org/ It is a nursing home and assisted living community for the elderly in Mount Vernon, Ohio – just 15 minutes from campus. Ask those people what it is like to have their friends die of cancer, ask them what it looks like, what it smells like. Maybe some of them have even had cancer. Ask them about it. Listen to them.

      Another suggestion: Get to know a woman. Get to know someone who has a vagina. Ask them how much their tampons cost. Ask them what their experience in elementary school was like. Ask them about their experience with employers, with job applications, with workplace dynamics. If you choose to get to know a woman at Kenyon – ask her how she feels at parties. Ask her how she feels in her classes. Ask her how she feels walking around at night. Listen to her.

      • Anonymous permalink
        November 16, 2016 7:42 pm

        I am a woman. My mother had cancer. She was happy I’m not a feminist.

  4. Anonymous permalink
    November 16, 2016 10:48 am

    <3 biz

  5. Anonymous permalink
    November 16, 2016 11:45 am

    Thank you Biz!

  6. Anonymous permalink
    November 16, 2016 9:29 pm

    title 9 going to be taken out by daddy trump. thank god.

  7. Anonymous permalink
    November 17, 2016 2:50 pm

    Great job generalizing all fraternities and the entire lacrosse team. Many lacrosse players and fraternity brothers are democrats who not only do not support her being fucked in the ass, but rather supported her run for the presidency. If you have never been in a mens locker room you have no right to generalize and declare that this is what is said in all locker rooms. Sure there is evidence that some individuals have made comments that may lead you to believe that, but as a member of a mens sports team for over a decade I can say I have never heard words to the tune of “grab her by the pussy.”

    • Anonymous permalink
      November 18, 2016 1:31 am

      This writer clearly hates men. Not going to work anymore. It failed when the best woman you’ve got, Hillary, couldn’t win over 46 percent in most districts. But keep on pointing fingers. Once you’re all alone because no one will want to deal with your bigotry you can come back to the land of the living. Till then, have fun in abstracted theory and keep living the liberal arts dream!

  8. Anonymous permalink
    December 8, 2016 2:52 pm

    One of the issues with this article is the malicious, somewhat hateful tone it is written in. I’m not a lacrosse player, but if I were I would immediately disregard this entire work, despite its value, because that team is constantly (and ironically) persecuted as a minority voice here at Kenyon. Perhaps if the article’s rhetoric were toned down a bit, it would resonate more with those who you are trying to send a message to.

  9. Anonymous permalink
    December 8, 2016 7:24 pm

    Your tears taste great!

  10. Anonymous permalink
    December 8, 2016 7:34 pm

    You’re literally using the same logic that you’re claiming to stand against in order to target people who you don’t agree with. I don’t know you, but after reading this inflated controversy all in the name of your glorious virtue, I can conclude you, Biz, are an idiot. Stop persecuting people because of their beliefs.

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