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Kenyon Horoscopes: Getting You Through Finals

November 29, 2016
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via my brain

Thanksgiving break is over and we as a student body are back and pretty much worse than ever! The good news: I’m here to show you the Light and the Way with your horoscope. Here’s some sage advice to follow as you navigate the post-Thanksgiving break pre-winter break swampland that is our campus. Woooohooooo!

Aries- Try going on fewer existential walks around campus at 3am. Listen to the Titanic soundtrack and cry instead. Take care of yourself!

Best place for a breakdown: the cheese section of the market.

Taurus- I can’t explain why yet, but start carrying hand sanitizer everywhere you go, Taurus.

Best place for a breakdown: that breakfast and baking aisle of the market.

Gemini- Stop it! Stop doing that!

Best place for a breakdown: making full eye contact with the cashier in the market.

Cancer- You’re in for an emotional next few weeks, Cancer. Avoid spiders and anyone named Harold because they can sense your sadness.

Best place for a breakdown: the miniature produce section in the market.

Leo- Just keep on repressing, Leo. You heard me, stuff it down!

Best place for a breakdown: the chippies and dippies section of the market.

Virgo- Virgo, things are about to get weird. In order to simplify your life, try Steve Jobs-ing your wardrobe and wearing the same thing for the next 3 weeks.

Best place for a breakdown: midway through ordering a market sandwich.

Libra- You’re coping with stress with outrage. I know you want to fight every boy on a scooter you see, but I promise you it won’t help.

Best place for a breakdown: a bench outside of the market.

Scorpio- I know you’re upset about how things are going right now, but I must remind you that you are the hot, mysterious friend so count your blessings.

Best place for a breakdown: the chilled section of the market with unexplained meats and toaster strudel.

Sagittarius– You’ve really got to stop screaming.

Best place for a breakdown: the “healthy” part of the market with canned peaches and dried stuff.

Capricorn- A diet of red bull and fry pies will only last you so long, Capricorn. But you are the most productive sign, so maybe keep on doing what you’re doing?

Best place for a breakdown: the cold, cold floor of the market.

Aquarius- Call your mom, she’s worried!

Best place for a breakdown: waiting in line at the market by the ice cream and candy.

Pisces- You’re probably feeling like a fish out of water right now, Pisces. Get it?! Haha! Woowhee! Goodbye!

Best place for a breakdown: the library.

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