Hey, Where is my Parka?


Hey I’m sooooo sorry to bother you because I know it’s busy and I know you’re waist-deep in a self-righteous deconstruction of the thing, but I need your help. Somehow, I have lost my winter coat. It is a beautiful, generic black North Face puffer. It was lost somewhere between last spring and now. As crazy as it sounds, I remember boarding my plane in May and thinking to myself did I ever pack away my winter coat? I shrugged, assumed that the whole situation was fine, and boarded my Southwest™ flight.

I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth are you asking people to look for your own belongings that you lost on your own because of your own inadequacy? Well, because I am the Editor-in-Chief of this thing and I can treat this like my own personal soapbox/student-info thread for only two more weeks. I will milk/abuse this until my last breath.

I literally do not know how I could have possibly lost a crucial and enormous object. I have torn apart my storage bins, my friend’s storage bins, my friends themselves, etc. I’ve thought deeply about the last time I wore it (early spring) and if it is humanly possible to forget it somewhere (it’s not). I am deeply aware that I’m an idiot for messing up this badly. With my head hung low, I offer my humble form as a symbol of my embarrassment. On hands and knees, I beg.

I love my parka, I miss my parka. She is probably lost somewhere, alone and scared. Please bring her home.




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