10 o’clock list: Viable Alternative Career Options

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Graduation is closer than you think, and you’re probably wondering–how does one GET a job after a four year stint at a liberal arts school? You could go down to the CDO and get some pamphlets and have meaningful conversations with the people trained to help you with just that, OR alternatively, you could give into the feeling of existential dread and pick one of the unique options we’ve listed below that are guaranteed to get you some fast cash to pay off those student loans you totally forgot you were going to have.

1. Become a Sugar Baby. This will probably involve sending a creepy old man sensual photos of your feet or something but it’ll totally be worth the insane amounts of money that rich perverted old men seem to have. Easiest way to go about this? Set your tinder preference to ages 65+ and let the gentlemen callers come to you.

2. Become a Bridge Troll. You know what’s not fair? That the state can charge you to cross water. That’s a totally sweet gig you could do on your own! Grow out your armpit hair, invest in some heavy duty waders, and charge people money to cross bridges. If they don’t obey you, throw river sludge at them. No one likes a face full of river sludge.

3. Become an ESA. I have an ESA and it’s changed my life for the better. The only thing better than having an ESA would be becoming one. Unlimited free food? Getting to poop wherever you want? Sign me up! You can have this all for the small price of having someone cry on you once a week. You won’t even need a fur suit. (Please don’t get a fur suit).

4. Stop the Succulent Lady’s Unconstitutional Monopoly. The succulent lady is great, but she def knows she’s the only game in town. All you have to do is get better cactuses that are more colorful and are guaranteed to never die and you’re gonna have it MADE. those hipsters will be lining down the block for their chance to secure the most artsy cactus for their Leonard bay windows.

5. Unpaid Internships. I hear you can gain experience or something? Can I buy stuff with experience? Is it accepted at most major chain stores? I should ask someone about that.

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