10 o clock list: Things We’re Not Doing in 2017

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The clock strikes midnight. I’m wearing an appropriately sparkly dress, a devilishly handsome man is ready to kiss me, and I’m filled to the brim with excitement. As the ball drops, the new year begins. I plan on making bowls of salad filled with different colors, drinking so! much! water! and taking pictures every day so I can look back on all the good memories I’ve had.

In reality, it’s 12:30 am, my sister and I have watched five episodes of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives and I’ve consumed a family size bag of Triscuits. In other words, we have to set realistic goals for ourselves. So instead of resolutions to make our lives better, this list is just us trying to love ourselves a little more. So in 2017, we’re going to stop:

  1. Convincing the AVI worker you’re getting food for you and your friend when in reality you yourself are just going to eat 5 tear-shaped bowls of pad-thai smothered in sriracha while you furiously scroll through Twitter at a square table on New Side alone. Instead, we’re going embrace being alone. Who needs a large posse crammed around a round table on New Side? Consider yourself a charity–smile politely at everyone who asks to steal the chairs from your table until you’re a lone island amidst a sea of pad-thai. Get lost in the art of picking the cilantro (literally who asked for that) out of your noodles, do a crossword, and leave with your head held high. We can all do this.
  2. Crying in the wrong places. Hey, we’ve all broken down in the stairwell of McBride and had to witness strangers silently staring you down as they go into their respective dorms normally because they are functioning and capable humans. But let’s explore new options and love ourselves more. For example, I personally love crying in the Walmart parking lot next to an Amish buggy and red pickup truck.
  3. Texting on our phones when we’re about to pass someone, just to lift your head up at the last moment to utter a tiny “hello” under your breath because we have to acknowledge everyone’s existence even though we go to school in a small village. Some other options? Perhaps chest bumping, grunting, or a limp handshake.
  4. Trying to get a ride home in a Kenyon Facebook group by offering to pay for gas and snacks. We as a campus need to be striving for excellence. I want to see posts promising magic tricks and voodoo and snake charming. If I am giving you a ride home that is longer than two hours, I expect more than snacks and sparkling conversation. I want to find my soulmate. I want to be dazzled. That is the kind of winter break car ride that I want.
  5. Talking about the weather and how tired we are. We all have our winter coats on. We all see the snow outside. We are all tired. We are all reminiscing showering without shoes on, kissing sweet dogs, eating good foods, and driving in cities that have stop lights. We have all sat in a Wiggin booth for so long that our butt is engraved in the sweet sweet booth cushion. Unless it is quite literally raining dark chocolate chips, I don’t want to hear you speak. Unless you haven’t slept in three days and are hallucinating seeing ghosts, I don’t want to hear you speak. Unless another member of NSYNC  is on campus, I don’t want to hear you speak. In fact, only speak if it’s about Lance Bass.

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