One Step Away from Clipping Coupons…


Okay, so we’ve moved past over-priced name-brand looks. We’ve abandoned thrift store fashion. We’ve even ascended past Middle Path pop-up shop aesthetic. In our pilgrimage for mock turtlenecks and authentic chokers, we have reached an alternative couture paradox.

That’s right, in order to dress the most outside of the box, we must look inside of it.

That is…inside of specific boxes labeled “Free Store.” (If you were to look inside every box on campus, you’d likely discover the result of one too many failed attempts at recycling pizza boxes from a night of intoxicated community building.) Inside of these cardboard treasures lay the discarded garb of the Kenyon mass, and this weekend, in an attempt to test the hypothesis proposed by Smitty Werben Man Jensen, of Squarepants fame, ECO decided to try to turn one man’s trash into this Thrill Writer’s treasure.

Examples of such rad rags that many managed to cop are as follows…

  • A floor length skirt with the color scheme of several exploded highlighters and a waistline of 00.
  • Multiple items of clothing that are covered in pineapple and watermelon designs, begging to pay respect to Michelle Obama’s healthy food legacy.
  • Several jars of vitamin D and vitamin C, because if you wear fruit shirts on your body, you don’t actually need to reap the nutritional benefits of consuming such things.
  • Toe socks built to costume each appendage as various members of the pagan celebration of Christmas, including, but not limited to, what I imagine to be Saint Nicholas and Prancer, the Gay Reindeer.
  • Several boxers, defying (or maybe further supporting??) my theory that most of this campus is made up of brief-wearers.
  • A blow-up mattress. Alternatively, a raft for fleeing this hallowed town via the rough seas of the Kokosing.
  • Single gloves, mittens, and socks who viewed the Free Store as a means of finding new companions and thereby creating new purpose. A note of hope in this trying time, that even those who have lost everything can still decide to wear their heart on their sleeve.
  • A giant trash bag filled only with one fork and one peirce cup, providing Kenyon’s Japanese Beetles with shelter and weaponry.
  • A Hawaii-themed calendar to relive the harsh battles of 2016, and a Hawaii-themed set of gift-bags to give at the wake of those who will perish in the harsh battles of 2017. The tropical feel really conveys a sense of whimsy.  

Perhaps the best way to sum up the bounty of this noble ECO endeavor comes from a patron of the Free Store, Lauren Michael, who stated with enthusiastic neutrality, “Everything is free!!!”

Indeed, not paying for jeans that are as distressed as my existential soul truly makes the victory taste sweeter. And sharing with you all the things I managed to snag before you did enhances the false sense of validation I need to go about my day to day life. A win for all!

Until next time, Free Store and the Free Bins from with you were birthed, I bid you adieu.


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