Hey, pick up the phone! I’m calling you! I have some news! I threw up on middle path yesterday because I ate a chocolate bar too quickly! But also…Kenyon Zodiac is back! This new semester is in full swing and you may be looking for a little insight into your true essence, what you really mean to everyone on this campus. Look no further, I’m here to offer you my wisdom. Brace yourself: the signs as [Student-Info]’s.
Aries- [Student-Info] ARE YOU INTERESTED IN TAKING MUSIC LESSONS???/REMINDER. You are energetic, confident, and a staple in your community. No one wants to mess with you but everyone respects what you’re doing.
Taurus- [Student-Info] Eggs eggs eggs. Do you like eggs as much as I do? You’re patient and reliable. Although not everyone says it, you are sweet and you lowkey make everyone’s week.
Gemini- [Student-Info] GLITTER TITZZZZ Oh god. Do we all remember glitter tittz? The insane student info chain last year that deteriorated into a competition on who can copy and paste the entire script to Bee Movie and send it to the entire school the fastest? Yeah. You’re glitter titzz. Do with this what you will.
Cancer- [Student-Info] No body combat today. Cautious. Interesting. People who see you around are curious about who you are and what you’re doing here, but rest assured Cancer, you belong more than anyone!
Leo- [Student-Info] ‘Chicken Run’ as an Examination of Contemporary Toxic Masculinity (aka a trivia email). Leo you’re an interesting combination of smart and cool while also being deeply frazzled. Brush your hair.
Virgo- [Student-Info] the “oh god please take my psychology survey oh god.” email. You’re modest and shy but ready to tackle whatever life throws at you.
Libra- [Student-Info] PANCAKES RIGHT NOW!! Free delivery! We take K-Card! Thank god for you, Libra. You’re pure and good and and don’t forget that. Keep doing everything you are doing because you save LIVES on this campus with your purity. We should all strive to be as good and pure as you.
Scorpio- [Student-Info] boil alert Mysterious. Unexpected. No one really sees you coming but everyone can’t stop talking about you when you’re here.
Sagittarius- [Student-Info] PB&J TUESDAY You’re good-humored and optimistic, with a little bit of insanity thrown in as the special ingredient of the week. Like potato chips! Or figs and honey! Truly wild!!
Capricorn- [Student-Inf0] Housing Lottery Information. You’re practical and attempt to be as diplomatic as possible but everyone knows you’re a shady bitch. (author note: capricorns are dope please do not come for me capricorns)
Aquarius- [Student-Info] It’s the most wonderful day of the year: ECO FREE STORE!! You’re humanitarian and charming. A true treat on this campus!
Pisces- [Student-Inf0] NEWSFLASH: Course Withdrawal Options Sensitive and compassionate. You just want everyone to be okay and you’re not afraid to tell someone when to gtfOUT of that creative writing class.