Ever been resigned to the cereal section of Peirce at dinner and thought, “I wonder if I could just live this way? I would never have to wait in the Fusion line again. Bagels are good but getting a good toast is always a challenge. Cereal is easy and good and as long as Peirce has bowls it’s always there for me. How the hell do we still have lots of cups have we really turned over a new leaf as a campus? But cereal yeah, love cereal.” Well wonder no more! Two students took this challenge on and the results were humbling, enlightening, and emotional.
Name: Cat Smith
Nickname: The Beast
Major: Bees (they’re endangered!)
Hometown: The telephone booth in Norton
Fun Fact: I was trapped in a painting for three days one time
Name: Michael Audet
Nickname: Maudet Hornsby
Major: Angry girl music of the indie rock persuasion
Hometown: Twin Peaks
Fun Fact: I thought Split was a solid thriller
Participants signed a contract that would dictate the rules for this challenge.
The experiment begins…..
Day One: Participants are shockingly unenthused about starting the challenge. Though they may not be excited, they are determined, and for that they deserve nothing but respect.
Cat: “It’s the first day and I’m already tired of this”
Michael: “How wild it was, to let it be”
Day Two: Morale is low. Participants are switching up their cereal choices in an effort to maintain a false sense of freedom. Defeat is visible in their eyes. Commissioner (me!) politely reminds them that they wanted to do this, and that honestly it is so annoying that they are considering bailing already. Coco Roos are apparently pretty good.
Cat: “The worst part about this is that I’m kind of lactose intolerant”
Michael: “What if I develop Stockholm syndrome and only eat cereal for the rest of my life”
Day Three (Part One): Participants decided that if order to survive on only cereal, they were going to have to start eating breakfast. Makes sense. Experiment appears to be running smoothly. Coco Roos are still a favorite.
Cat: ~shakes head~
Michael: “I need food I’m a big boy”
Day Three (Part Two): The second part of the day was when integrity and commitment were thrown out the goddamn window. The series of events are as follows:
- Michael, Cat, and I plan to watch It’s Always Sunny in my dorm
- Michael arrives on time, Cat is nowhere to be found
- Assuming she fell asleep, we go to her room to wake her up
- Cat is not asleep, but watching something on her laptop when we arrive
- She immediately confesses to eating an entire bag of Snyder’s of Hanover Pretzel Pieces Honey Mustard & Onion flavor before we found her
- She then immediately rats Michael out for having eaten a candy bar the night before
Needless to say, as a both a Disappointed Friend and as the Commissioner of this experiment, I saw to it that they were thoroughly shamed. Though they had broken contract, because I am not a monster, I let them have a cheat meal. Tbh the lack of nutrients were making them be mean to me and they did confess so they didn’t deserve to be punished as sternly as the contract outlines.
Day Four: As this point in our adventure, we lost Michael. When asked how his cheat meal made him feel, he responded:
Michael: “I had as much energy as those moms who pick cars off their infants”
He clearly needed to stop. Cat was still willing to take her punishment and intended to eat Mallow Oats for the remainder of the experiment. She was a real trooper, but that night pizza was ordered and our experiment came to an official end.
What did we learn? Coco Roos are pretty good, the human body can survive on only cereal for at least three days, the human psyche almost immediately goes to shit when a person eats only cereal for at least three days. Is this conclusive even a little? You tell me, I’m not a scientist.