Every winter, I make the same promise to myself: I buy new tennis shoes, wash all my gym clothes and queue up Fergalicious declaring I’ll be up in the gym just workin’ on my fitness. I was particularly motivated, or at least thought I would be, by the fact that I am but a lowly NARP on a hall full of swimmers–they are the marble Adonises to my Pillsbury Dough Boy, the professional bodybuilders to my week 1 beginning weight training class, the Taylor Lautner circa 2008 to my Robert Pattinson circa any year, you pick. But I’m sad to say friends that it’s the second week of February, I still have arms made of rubber, abs brought to you by cheeseburger Hot Pockets and an ass so wide it’s been legally declared its own county and my swimmer hall-mates are still as chiseled as ever. So here are a few methods I’ve implemented to hide my lumpy, un-athletic body from those around me.

• Make like Tobias Fünke and become a never nude: If you don’t own jean cutoffs, do what I do and wear your winter coat, thermal leggings and bean boots into the shower.

• If your fingers happen to covered in orange Cheeto dust, invest in some adult Mickey Mouse gloves: There are tons for sale on Reddit, just search for “Disney fetish” and it’ll bring it right up.
• Spray on some abs: Pretty sure this is the exact brand they used to make Robert Pattinson look like he had muscle definition. I’m not sure why I’m talking about Twilight so much in this post, but I’m going for it!

• Call your Mom and have her send you your Harry Potter cloak you wore to the Prisoner of Azkaban premiere in 3rd grade: She will be worried about you, just brush it off, it’s fine!
• Cosplay as the Michelin man, constantly. 
• Buy whatever this is? Seems legit.
  
• Call the Kardashians plastic surgeon: Preferably Kim or Khloe’s. NOT Kylie’s. *shudders internally*
• Only go out during 4pm when the swimmers are in practice: It’s the only time of the day where it’s safe to walk around in my green Amazonian clay mud mask that my Mom says makes me look like the Grinch.
• Move to a different hall
• Accept your lumpy bod for what it is: UGH, FINEEEEEE.