Students in Uproar Because February is Not Terrible


“You don’t KNOW winter,” an upperclassman said, this past September, “just WAIT until February, you’re in for a shock.” Every year, upperclassmen begin their interactions with first year students by telling them that February is going to be the worst thing they’ll ever experience. Fancy buzz words like “polar vortex” and “la niña” are thrown around, and soon enough first years begin to feel the pressure of the six feet of snow that loom ahead.

But it never came.

February hit at a balmy sixty degrees, and upperclassmen took to the streets with signs and a dream. One in particular read, “MAKE FEBRUARY COLD AGAIN.”

When asked why they didn’t just enjoy the fact that they could wear sandals one student said “It’s something we look forward to, y’know? Watching freshmen be shocked by their own misery distracts us from our own misery.”

Upperclassmen aren’t the only ones angry. Student Activities is scrambling to figure out what to do about its standard February Blues programming. “It just doesn’t make sense anymore to tell people we know they’re miserable and we’re here for them,” One representative stressed, “What are we supposed to do? Make new programs? Change things? It’s absolutely ridiculous!”

First years, on the other hand, can be found in hammocks on the quad perplexed but unperturbed. “I don’t really care about the weather,” one said, “All I want right now is to get an A in baby drama.” No one bothered to tell the student that baby drama is not offered this semester. We’ll wait for them to be shocked by their own misery.

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