What is happening my friends and foes! How was your weekend? Please do not ask me about mine. Here’s the deal: it’s the week before Spring Break and god knows how you might be feeling. Maybe you haven’t smiled in days! Maybe you’re crying outside the library as you read this! Regardless your pre-break coping mechanism of choice, I have something that will make you feel better. Let me take you on a journey to self-knowledge. Understanding. Let me show what thicc metal object you best represent on this campus. Here we go. The signs as: Sculptures.
(Author’s note: no shade to these beautiful pieces of art I love art thank you Graham Gund if I die young bury me in satin lay me down on a bed of Graham Gund’s architecture)
Aries- Those Sweet Sweet Dancing Angels. You’re fun, full of energy, and people look up to you! You’re also the star sign/sculpture most likely to come to life in the dead of night and create mischief.
Taurus- Big Science Quad Daddy. You’re reliable and comforting to all those who see you. You’re a pillar of community and people want to give you hugs and kissies (don’t tell them I told you, though).
Gemini- 3rd Floor Olin, Untitled. What the fuck, Gemini. Please pull yourself together.
Cancer- Literally any Sculpture in Horvitz Ever. Interesting. “Artsy.” A wild card. Everyone wants to figure out what’s going on in your brain, Cancer. But don’t let them. Keep scowling. Stay gold.
Leo- Pointy Boi! You showed up randomly one day and now one can get rid of you. You’re a bit rough around the edges but everyone thinks of you fondly. Or roasts you from afar.
Virgo- Dog deer lady. You’re a good egg Virgo. A little weird and unapproachable at times, but you give really great hugs and are a great friend!!
Libra- A cool sculpture garden! You’re charming and easygoing, Libra. Just like this cool sculpture garden! Nothing going on here! Just some cool sculptures! Nothing sinister beneath the surface! Who, Libra? No way!
Scorpio- Fucking Pore. Nothing much to say here. You’re a freaky one, Scorpio.
Sagittarius- Yoga friends. You’re jovial and good-humored Sagittarius. You always look like you’re having the best time and everyone wants in on the fun. Kiss me?
Capricorn- Look closely. Whoah! I didn’t see you there Capricorn! What are you doing at Decatur’s house? Dancing? Okay! I’ll see you around! Capricorn I don’t know what’s going on with you but you seem very successful and happy so keep it up!
Aquarius- What are you? Are you a sculpture? Sometimes I see people sit on you and that makes me nervous. You’ve gotten to the point in the semester where you just kinda feel stuck here, Aquarius. But we’re so happy you’re around! Truly! You’re reliable and kind and smart and just the best! Gah!
Pisces- That Giant Sculpture-thing next to South 2* You’ve just gotta trust me on this one, Pisces.
*Note: I have only seen this sculpture maybe once in the dark so please enjoy my artistic rendering of what is probably there.