Pictured above: Me
Hello again, it’s I, the Back from Break Goblin! Oh also, the thing with me is, I’m a goblin, and I cannot explain why. I just am. I’m the Thrill’s Resident Goblin. I’m sorry.
Look. I’m not gonna mince words here folks. We live in stressful times. The world is full of injustice, cruelty, and perversion. The polar caps are collapsing, the economy is melting, and nobody is as scared of the Archons as we should be. Civilization’s been going to hell for as long as I can remember, and on top of that, I have to give an oral presentation the same day my next paper’s due. I get stressed you guys. And sometimes when people come into my life with their weird habits or wrong opinions I yell at them. I go on rants where all my nonsense overflows out of me, until I’m not even sure what we’re talking about. Or sometimes I just yell, not at people, or anyone, just at the void for situations I’ve found myself in.
These are my five favorite places on campus where I’ve screamed at people.
1. Peirce Hall-If you haven’t screamed here you’re missing out. It’s effectively the most socially acceptable place on campus to scream, other than maybe your dorm. I’ve screamed here countless times. Once my roommate, spoke in only an Australian accent. After sixty straight hours of shrimps on the barbie, it was 12:30, the servery was completely full, and we were by the utensils. All it took was one “Sheila” and I grabbed his arm, and screamed at the top of my lungs, “JUST STOP WITH THE ACCENT GOD.” Everybody stared. Somewhere in the crowd, a frightened acquaintance put their arm on a friend’s shoulder and said, “I think Chris and Michael are fighting.” The friend then must have said, “No, this is business as usual.” I have no memory of this.
2. In and around Lentz House, Finn House, and Sunset Cottage–The comps list involves sixteen books and over thirty poems, in terms of content and analysis, and at the bottom it says “Given how short this list is, students are expected to have full knowledge of each text.” Our chosen field is also becoming irrelevant. So yes. I scream there too.
3. Hill Theater– I’m very afraid of bats. In my opinion they are demonic rats with wings and nature’s worst mistakes. While working on a senior thesis, I was informed that bats LIVED in my very workspace. “You really can’t get away from them, ever,” I was told. So one day when a bat flew down from the rafters in the middle of a run, I dropped my laptop, and ran out of the theater screaming. From outside the door, other crew members probably caught wind of my demand. “If that BAT flies down from the rafters again, I don’t care WHEN in the run, I will QUIT the show ON THE SPOT.”
4. The Gunderdome– When my friend informed me that his favorite Star Wars movie was Episode III Revenge of the Sith, and not Empire Strikes Back (the correct answer), I went on a ten minute rant about it. I also threw a chair. (Not at him, Jesus.) In my defense, this was a room that bred chaos. See for further evidence: broken TV, broken table, broken pool table, McDonalds eaten out of trash, couch fortresses, etc.
5. Caples 701–When I asked my roommateabout places on campus I’ve screamed in the past, he said, “At me,” but since people can’t be locations (usually), I’ll go for my current room. Off the top of my head, I’ve screamed here when talking about the Cars and Planes trilogies (it’s literally about a plane whose afraid of heights like COME ON), and when I found out Donald Trump was still an executive producer on The Celebrity Apprentice. Most recently, I screamed in my bed in the middle of the night while being reminded by various friends of all the times I’ve screamed for no rational reason.