First Years React: Shock Your Mom

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“OH…I NEED to go to that!”

Hey look! Our first year writers went to Shock Your Mom and behaved like the perfect angels they are. We asked them about it, but we don’t know why, considering they were all fully clothed and 100% sober the whole night. We at The Thrill have an extreme vetting process for hiring out new writers. We expect nothing less than perfection.

Saturday night started off as any good night should: with an unhealthy dose of RuPaul’s Drag Race and Lady Gaga music videos. This is honestly how I spend most of my nights, but Saturday had some extra flavor thanks to a peach energy drink that tasted like rat poison around 10 p.m.. With the energy drink (or rat poison, who really knows) and copious amounts of glitter, I was able to rally and head south for what I expected to be the highlight of my Freshman year: Shock Your Mom. Alas, it t’was not to be. I love being surrounded by half-naked, sweaty bodies as much as the next millennial, and I think I would have had a better experience had I not been completely sober and expecting Project X levels of insanity (tbh I’ve never seen that movie so I hope the reference works). Final Conclusion: I should have stayed home and watched Gremlins 2 while playing Ticket to Ride. Or I should have used more glitter. -Colleen Kemp

I didn’t go to Shock Your Mom. Instead I went home, tried to do work, fell asleep before midnight instead, and slept for over 11 hours. Are you shocked yet? -Michael Audet

 

The night began with me trying to convince my best friend from home that what the party entailed was the electrocution of local Gambier moms and ended with me brushing my teeth at 3 a.m., struggling with the taps on the sink in Gund. In general though, the night was definitely over hyped. I got to shock your mom kind of late in the game and ended up leaving to go to Ganter after maybe 30ish minutes (honestly the timeline is unclear). Before heading North however, the majority of my time in Old K consisted of: dancing, campo and standing on the patio in the cold. But I guess that’s how it always goes before you bail for something else. -Jane Zisman

I ditched Shock Your Mom for a funeral. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything because, honestly, I think death is more shocking than nudity. -Annie Blackman

A few hours before Shock Your Mom I was on the phone with my dad and accidentally told him about Shock Your Mom. Shock Your Mom’s existence Shocked My Dad more than Shock Your Mom actually shocked my mom; the woman worked on Wall Street in the ’80s and has four children, nothing shocks her anymore. Frankly, I was just a big fan of how fresh everyone looked. More than any Peeps party or formal I’ve attended this year, the people who weren’t dressed in bubble wrap or pasties looked sultry and fabulous. It seemed to me that people were so conscious of how much of a joke the party was that they had absorbed it into their essence and were just there to have a chill-ass time. The next morning, my roommate, who did not attend, said: “What really would have shocked their moms would be them having gone to church that night and prayed.” -Helena Winterbottom

Listen. It has taken me So Fucking Long to get used to Kenyon’s whack-ass fashionable lateness. I’ve had to make awkward conversation with floaters because I was one of the first 30 people at an all-campus. I’ve had to make prolonged eye-contact with the opener band at the Horn because I got there before 11 p.m.. I have suffered. I thought I had it figured out. Shock Your Mom? More like Shock Your Me, Sarah Hoffmann, freshman who is now questioning everything she knows about this school! What the hell Kenyon? This is the night that we are all punctual for the first time in our collegiate lives? I showed up to not one, but two pregames only to have them end less than 15 minutes after I arrived. Then campo immediately showed up as soon as I got to Old K. So like, pretty much what I expected. -Sarah Hoffmann

One comment

  • Colleen Kemp: I’m shocked as your mother that I did not instill more in you the essence and essentialness of glitter…..LOADS of glitter. THAT is shocking.
    Love,
    Mom

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