Hello everyone it is I, the News Goblin, and I come bringing great and terrible news. The terrible news is that our beloved Sean Decatur, will be stepping down as President of Kenyon.
Yes, I’m afraid that old DCat himself will be heading into an early retirement after all of his skin fell off he was deemed him unfit to serve as president. Of course, the decision–like any important decision–was made by the council of withered elders who live in the pipes under the campus. So while Sean Decatur will no longer be president, we at the Thrill hope that despite all of this, that we can still be friends, at least until the college figures out what we want from life, and who we want to be, before taking Sean back as president again.
So now, some great news. I, the Announcement Goblin, would like to announce his successor and the new, twentieth president of Kenyon College, the Raccoon That Caused the Power Outage The Other Week.
That’s right, Kenyon alum The Raccoon That Caused the Power Outage The Other Week (‘00) will be stepping up to replace Decatur as the President of our college. In what he assures us is “certainly not the end goal of a coup put into action by knocking the power out the other week” The Raccoon That Caused the Power Outage the Other Week has graciously taken office, and promises to provide Kenyon with things our previous president just couldn’t give us.
“It is my duty and my honor to take on the role of president of this fine institution” President Outage The Other Week said in his commencement speech. “And while I am the first raccoon to ever be president of any human establishment, or anything, ever, I will not let my rodent nature get in the way of my interests in the advancement of this human school, and of its human students.”
So get ready folks! Because the first plans under this radical raccoon involve getting some answers on the plans for the future of the Olin Chalmers library.
“The Human Library will be converted into the first ever Trash Nest, in which students will be encouraged to collect human trash, and build a replacement library out of what they find, in order that this will provide students with both new meal and housing plans. You will certainly find me, and my other raccoon brethren waiting for you there,” The Raccoon said, winking at the audience.
I don’t know about you guys, but even though I’ll miss DCat, I’m sure looking forward to seeing our cute furry new president, digging through the trash in front of Caples.