Third floor ascension. The most elegant of third floors. The richness of the wood paneled walls, the oak tables and the non-fluorescent lighting make for a perfect studious environment. This gothic, castle like classiness can feel like a haven in which only the most serious of book learning and essay writing can take place. Now, however, it is time to flip the script, go against the grain and pee into the wind, because we are about to examine the things that would shatter the Hogwarts-esque aesthetic of third floor ascension.
The Chuck E. Cheese’s rat. Of Chuck E. Cheese’s 590 locations, noted on wikipedia in 2015, ascension is most definitely not one. This is NOT a place where a kid can be a kid, so look away, no game tokens can be found here.
A hot pink pogo-stick. Pogos are no-gos.
A can of Four Loko. This poor choice of alcoholic beverage was developed by Ohio State University alumni, but sorry OSU, your red apparel and close proximity to Kenyon do nothing to change the fact that Four Loko is at odds with the ascension atmosphere.
The Times Square Naked Cowboy. If you’re unfamiliar, he’s basically just a naked cowboy in Times Square
Anyone making balloon hats
The Jonas Brothers circa straightened hair, vests and fedoras. Listen, I’ve been to the year 3000 and not much has changed, but the Jo Bros would still look unnatural on third floor ascension.
A little boy with Flaming Hot Cheetos in his nose and strawberry jam on his hands. He better not put those sticky hands on the fine leather couches or stained glass windows.
A Kiss cover band. On second thought, there might be a place for 1970s glam rock on campus…
Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad eating a Lunachable. Yes, I know what you’re thinking; why didn’t I use a more current TV reference? Well that is because anything from more current shows like Game of Thrones, Westworld, etc. would easily look at home in the gothic architecture. Come on, can’t you just picture Ned Stark studying for comps up there!?