GAMBIER, Ohio — A new report released Monday by the Registrar’s Office found that you, a sophomore with several passing grades this semester, are in fact a genius. The report went on to condemn the hundreds of other sophomores who, unlike you, are worthless shit for succumbing to Sophomorus slumpis, a deadly neurological pathogen that targets sophomores.

The Registrar’s Office included a supplement from Monica Spitzer, chair of the Biology Department. According to Spitzer, your particular scholastic aptitude is very rare, even for an intellectual.

“This world has produced many a venerable thinker,” said Spitzer. “The Buddha gave us a path to enlightenment. Adam Smith gave us the framework for free market economics. You, however, belong to a special species of brainiac, as plainly evidenced by your ability to get high most every day and still receive A’s in not one, but two of your classes. Such genetic resistance to Sophomorus slumpis should be commended.”

Your friend was completely shocked by the report.

“Let me kiss your feet. While I do, may I ask what you did this weekend?”

“I danced both butt cheeks clean off.”

“The omelette line pierces my soul with a juicy fervor. I thank God for this. He is risen indeed.”

“Groupon for tampons. Who’s in?”

More research is needed to fully understand how to mitigate Sophomorus slumpis’ deadly effects. However, researchers suggested the following as potential answers:

What:  Community Hour: Opiates & Our Brain with Professor Hewlet McFarlane

• This special community hour will address the opiate epidemic currently sweeping the U.S., including our Knox County. Professor McFarlane will explain how opioids cause addiction and how a Minnesota community is handling the crisis.
• Complimentary cups will be provided.

When: Wednesday, April 19 at 4:00pm to 5:30pm

Where: KAC Beulah Kahler Theater

 

What: Kenyon College Men’s and Women’s Track and Field Spring Invitational

• One time a high school teacher told me he drove a javelin through someone’s back. It was on accident. I think.

When: Saturday, April 22 at 8:00am to 3:00pm

Where: KAC

 

What: Rising Sophomore Registration

• :'(

When: Thursday, April 20 at 11:15am

Where: The shoulder of a friend. You’ll need it to cry on.