It’s time to face the facts: we only have five days left in the semester at this place we’ve called “home” for the past couple of months. I for one am excited about returning to my place of birth, but here are some tips for those of you about to experience culture shock after Kenyon kicks us out.

• Order Domino’s every single night. Who cares if your mom has home-cooked meals waiting for you? During the school year you learned that nothing can top the joy that comes from seeing your driver pull into the Lewis parking lot. Bonus tip: text your siblings and ask if they’ve found a table on New Side whenever your dad calls you in for dinner.
• Take cups from all of the restaurants you go to and then leave them on top of random trashcans. They’ll make it back somehow.
• Try to pay for everything with your K-Card. When you get turned away by confused cashiers, email D-Cat 43 times asking why the real world is so hard.
• Whenever you see people wearing unrolled jeans, waste no time in rolling up their pant legs for them. Rolled jeans with those expensive Chelsea boots are the epitome of Kenyon style, so try your hardest to help those with subpar fashion choices.
• Carry around your unread copy of Infinite Jest wherever you go. This has two effects: you’ll let people know that you appreciate post-modern literature (and know what that means) while also starting conversations about Kenyon’s favorite fake alum.