Welcome back to Kenyon, where we love to wear corduroy overalls and drink chilled sparkling water. You’re back, baby. Settle in. Stay a while. While we have you here, could I be so bold as to ask you a question? Which……………………………………….bean do you prefer? At the salad bar, I mean. It’s a matter of personal opinion, of course. I couldn’t presume to tell you which bean is best any more than you could tell me that my underground ant farm is unethical. But I’m entitled to my opinion, of course. Hate me or love me by the end of this list, it makes no difference. My heart is in the beans, always has been. Always will be.
- Garbanzo. The best bean. Great in salads, excellent as edible toothpaste. Once, I ate so many garbanzo beans that I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. I woke up halfway through sophomore year with clear skin and a perfect credit score.
- Kidney. Warning: dangerous curves ahead. These beans pack a punch, and not just because they perfectly recreate the color, texture, and weight of a human kidney. Watch out for these li’l guys in your next bean-based dish. I promise you: you’ll like what you see.
- Black. A beautiful addition to any stew, black beans will help you spice up any and every salad in your wheelhouse. Bonus Kenyon hack: if you’re too busy to write that History paper, turn in a pile of black beans instead! History professors love ’em — they’ll be too distracted by the legumes to care about your hot take on the religious wars of Rhode Island.
- Navy. These beans are not navy. Why are they called navy beans? This is one of life’s great mysteries. These beans aren’t for eating. Rather, next time you encounter them in the salad bar, stare into their depths. Sink into their slimy folds. Contemplate the unfathomable enormity of the universe .
- Green. This one’s for all the health goths out there. These are a rare addition to the salad bar, but on the few occasions they make it to the chilled perishables side of the servery, they pack a punch. They are unpopular, yes, but their notoriety provides a sort of dark shield, an impenetrable haze of mystery. We hate and fear the green bean, but without her, all would certainly be lost.