Gather ’round sheeple, have you heard the news? President Decatur has a special announcement for the Kenyon community tomorrow at 12 o’clock noon. An ominous event page has been already been set up, there’s nothing we can do but sit and marinate in the possibilities. Who knows what this will be! We sure don’t! But that certainly doesn’t stop us from predicting exactly what is going to go down. Here’s a handy list of The Thrill’s predictions of Decatur’s announcement:

• K-Card Policy Change: Nobody can get into any building!
• We’re getting a second Pore statue.
• All crime is now legal during common hour.
• Everybody’s getting a drone!
• Liberal Arts 2 has begun filming.
• The Rad is Back
• Jon Hamm is finally ready to come to Kenyon.
• The Kenyon Thrill will now receive more than $50 out of the $21,000 News Board Budget.
• Scooters are banned. Segways, however, encouraged?
• John Green is going to pay everyone’s tuition.
• or
• probably
• just something to do with the 2020 Plan