In the wake of Kenyon’s momentous 75 million dollar donation, another hunk of cheddar slid quietly into the hands of Denison’s administration on Friday afternoon. Not to be outdone by a rival institution, Denison officials announced that they too received a 75 million dollar donation; theirs was simply in the form of Chuck-E-Cheese coins as opposed to legal tender. The donor, who wishes to remain anonymous, requested that the funds be used to uphold the sacrosanctity of both the university and the arcade-pizzaria franchise (NOW OFFERING THIN CRUST AND GLUTEN-FREE OPTIONS!).

“This donation will allow us to make Denison a place, to borrow a phrase from Chuck, ‘where a kid can be a kid’,” said Denison President Adam Weinberg in a formal announcement on twitter.

The coin will be used to install standalone slots machines in Curtis Café, The Nest, and The Slop Pit across from one of those brick buildings on campus Idon’treallyknow.

In order to celebrate the success of Ohio’s liberal arts institutions, I’ve crafted a jovial playlist for the weekend. Listen while you drink with your pals, Ladies, chums, Lords, and Buzzards (Denison picked that mascot, not me.) Here’s to your success, Denison!

The Proclaimers- I’m Gonna Be (500 miles)

Okay so Denison is only about 25 miles from a Chuck-e-cheese…

Enya- Only Time

I’ll admit. This is a melancholy one for a list of party jams. Just accept it. You know you want to.

The theme song from Bill Nye: The Science Guy

75 million and next to nothing goes to bringing Higley’s infrastructure into the 21st century, but

 

Why the f*** you lying -2400 Kevo

SURPRISE! Kenyon lied. They aren’t changing anything. Instead they are using the sweet 75 mil to buy the entirety of Denison. We now go to Kenison University! Go Lorzzards and Buzzdies! Purple and Red UNITE!