Hey, you! I haven’t seen you in forever! How is Stats going? Did you finally figure out what was causing that electrical humming in your room? No? Well, how’s your food situation? I heard that someone saw you crying outside of the Market while listening to the Monster Mash, but don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Here’s some advice for those cold nights when you forget that your source for Spongebob popsicles closes at 6 pm. Stay strong buddy, we’re all rooting for you.

• Peirce. The easiest answer. It’s Free, Fun, and, oh yeah, Freaking Haunted!! Not many Kenyon students know this, but after a deep examination of the NetNutrition page, I’ve discovered that classic dishes like grilled cheese and pirogies actually contain trace amounts of ghost slime in them. While you can’t deny that they taste delicious, is it really worth it to expose your insides to Rutherford B. Hayes’ ectoplasm?
• Go fishing in the Kokosing. While this may seem like an odd choice to First Years, no one else forgets their first time grabbing a fish out of the river. Hint: the trick is to have very large hands.
• Try to order Diner Dashers from Athens. Sad reacts only.
• Kindly ask the raccoons if you can get in on their trash stealing gig. You never know what you’ll find when dumpster diving and more importantly, who you’ll find.
• Hang outside of Olin and try to catch cigarette ashes in your mouth. Kenyon’s version of catching snowflakes on your tongue is always fun and not limited to the winter months. Plus, I feel like this is something John Green would write about, and we all know how you actually found out about this school.
• Call up your mom and ask her to express ship cookies to Gambier. Yes, they won’t arrive before you pass out from hunger, but it’s the thought that counts? Or just go steal care packages sitting in the post office because Kenyon is a sharing community :-).
• The Bookstore. Or how about NO because I’m not a NERD who eats BOOKS!!