QUIZ: What Kind of Kenyon Asshole Are You

1.You’re in Peirce and there is a long line for the toaster. You are excited to partake in a simple english-muffin-jam-and-butter situation. Mind you it is peak hour in the Servery— think 9:28 on a Tuesday (that pre-9:40 rush). Do you:

a. Patiently stand in line and wait your turn. When you put your bread slices into the toaster you kindly move out of the way— maybe even get a beverage while the bread goes through the rotating metal bench of fire. You quickly grab your bread— head to get the butter and jam of your choosing, but you don’t apply the butter and jam at the bar. You put your spreads on your plate and kindly leave.

b. I don’t think they were dead the entire time. I definitely think everything that happened on the island between the plane crash and all of their eventual deaths did happen. I personally loved the time travel— it was fun and made things interesting (Juliette and Sawyer! COME ON!). I do still have a thousand questions and absolutely hated the finale. I would love to sit down with Father Abrams and flesh out all the loose ends.

c. You usually sleep through your 9:40, and if you don’t you rarely make it to Peirce. This question does not apply to you as you are literally never getting an English muffin. This question is pointless, and you are getting increasingly annoyed at my badgering. I back off. We don’t talk for a few weeks— you text me out of the blue asking about the reading for seminar. We start texting.

d. You literally are the most particular and slow with this entire theoretical process. You have to cut the english muffin just right, you have to place them in the rotating fire hole just right (oftentimes you get it stuck at the “entrance” of the toaster so-to-speak). You butter and apply jam very, very, very slowly. You are very intricate and dilligent. You turn around to a long time of huffers and puffers. Everyone is late to their 9:40 because of you. You don’t care because you are the worst and think that your english muffin is more important than anyone else’s education.

2. You’re walking on the road parallel to Middle Path— along the academic houses (think O’Conner, Horowitz, Timberlake). You are walking with, colloquially speaking, a squad. There is one (1) person walking towards you, in the opposite direction. Your squad is taking up the whole sidewalk. Do you:

a. You move over and walk single-file until the person passes you. It is not fun or nice to make them walk in the road. You realize this and do what you know was humane. You are not celebrated for this accomplishment as it is purely common sense

b.  Most of my questions are honestly logistical. Like why was everyone chill with Sun suddenly being naturally good at growing a garden? She was previously a Korean elite with a fishermen lower that’s it— where did the green thumb come from? What was the point of putting Libby in Hurley’s flashback/mental institution memory if she was dead?

c. We text almost everyday— morning till night, but we never see each other in person. I think it’s weird at first, but I love texting you all the time so I let it go. We really get each other. We have the same taste in everything— books, TV, movies, goldfish (fuck flavor-blasted). We are scared to tell our friends about this budding virtual relationship. It is so fun to keep it our-little-secret. We become increasingly dependent on our devices. It is our only way to communicate with each other. We begin to fade away from our in-person relationships. We only spend time looking at our tiny little screens. We become dependent on machines.

d. You think to yourself; People think about this kind of shit? You consider this question illegitimate. You will continue to accidentally (though very purposefully) shove people off the sidewalk into the road because making sure it’s clear that you have friends is the most important thing. I love my bros. The end.

3. You are walking on Middle Path, and you really are loving your Discover Weekly (spotify student discount is $5/month). You are listening with your headphones on Middle Path— it is a beautiful fall day and everyone is still sitting outside. You consider the idea that maybe everyone on Middle Path deserves to hear this song. Do you:

a. Consider this option for a minute, and then decide that no, maybe everyone is just living their goddam lives and doesn’t need to hear to your favorite song. You continue with your life and keep your headphones in.

b. And what’s the deal with JACOB! What is that “darkness” thing? I literally hated all of the Jacob moments because they made no sense. What is the black smoke? Why do some people just know what it is. Tell me what it is! I am dumb! Help me! Make it really, painfully clear.

c. I gather the courage to ask you to meet in person. You don’t reply for hours. I consider throwing my phone into the nearest ocean. You reply with just a bunch of dot dot dots (see; …………). I consider transferring schools. We don’t talk for several weeks.

d. You take your headphones out and put your volume on full blast. You are convinced everyone is a better person because of this song. You are so proud of yourself. You think to yourself I am very awesome and everyone is really enjoying this song I am playing on full volume on middle path during a seemingly normal and peaceful day.

If you got….

all a’s; You are a normal, respectable human. You are 0% asshole. Good job. Please keep setting a good example for the abundance of assholes on this campus

all b’s; These are all my theories about the television show LOST (2004-2010). If you want to read more about the theories (with spoilers)— visit twitter.com/yaslosttheories. I have watched all of LOST and would love to talk about it with literally almost anyone.

all c’s; I’m still too scared to text you back. I think what we had was very special, but I don’t know if I’ll ever heal from what you did to me. Call me if you ever want to see each other in person.

all d’s; you are 100% asshole. Please read the (a) responses if you need to know how to act like a polite and courteous human. I’m not saying you’re a bad person, but it would be great if you could follow basic instinct regarding human decency more often. Thank you love you.

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