This article was ACTUALLY written by our new staff writer Nate Winer!
So, hey, did you hear about The Snake? The Snake that was spotted on south campus about a week ago, trying to get into Ascension hall because it probably left it’s umbrella in Econ again.
If you haven’t heard, here’s the down-low on our slithery pal: the Snake is long and beautiful and wishes only to devour mice and gain knowledge. But more important than all that, the appearance of the Snake on campus lined up pretty well with the Autumnal Equinox. And you know what that means.
That’s right friends, we’ve got an omen on our hands!
It’s not yet clear what, exactly, the Snake’s presence is a portent of, but you can bet your sweet bippy that something ominous, and more than likely malicious in nature, is heading our way. And just before October break, too–bummer! Obviously there’s nothing we can do to actually stop whatever’s happening, so the best thing to do is be prepared. Knowing what other strange occurrences might happen, and what they might mean, is pretty crucial, so the Thrill is here to provide you all with some much needed omen info.
So, a big one is the birds. Those silly sky critters are always up to something, but usually it’s just flying in big circles and screaming at nothing at six in the morning. But keep an eye on them; if their patterns change, and instead of flying in circles they’re now moving in squares or (heaven forbid) rhombuses, that’s never a good sign. It usually means that a dark stranger with malicious intent will soon be arriving. If the birds are flying in octagons, you’re going to do a little bit worse on your Calc test than you thought you would do, but not too bad, so don’t stress so much.
The moon and stars are pretty crucial to pay attention to also. The moon was a crescent pretty recently, so, ideally, it’ll still be awhile before a full moon. That being said, the moon suddenly and inexplicably being full means that we’re going to have to deal with a short-lived but very resilient plague, but it’ll probably only hit the new apts. If the moon winks out of existence one night, start buying bottled water, because we can expect a drought. If the moon winks at you, consider yourself flattered, she’s very picky.
Hearing ethereal shrieks in the night means that pretty soon the Dullahan, the headless driver of the Death Coach, (pictured below) is coming to collect the souls of the damned before their time, but that’s nothing new.
Lastly, random fires are usually a dead giveaway that a powerful wave of rage is going to fill the hearts of the students and faculty, and since it’s never really been clear if the fires are just a sign, or if it’s the fires themselves that make everyone get so heated (ha) students are advised to be especially careful around the Peirce toasters, just to be safe.