10 o’clock list: Things I Would Sign in the Thank You Card to the Anonymous Donor if I Had Nothing to Lose

I’m sure by now you’ve heard the good news: we’re rich! After receiving a historic 75 million dollar donation, it’s time we pay a little thanks to the mysterious man (or Hamburger Helper puppet hand–who am I to presume?) responsible for inciting the transformation of Kenyon that will ultimately make this hill feel foreign and cold to us when we inevitably return as bedraggled alumni searching for meaning in our past lives. I love the warm, soft womb of academia.

Oh, oh god.

Whomstever the fuck our donor is, I have some choice words for him. Hear me now, anonymous donor, whoever you may be.

 1. Dear Anonymous Donor,

Thank you so much for your generous donation! I’m not going to have a library for my senior year at Kenyon. Thank god I can’t read. How much would it cost to replace all my professors with clones of Hugh Dancy?



2. D, 

913-9*7-9480. Mather 216. Yes, I have a passport. No, I don’t have anything to lose.


3. Dear Donor, 

What internship opportunities do you offer at Monsanto? I have attached my resume.



4. Dear Graham Gund, 

We get it!

5. Dear $$$$$$$$$$, 

I’m on the market for a daddy. Will send pics of my feet ;)


Whoever You Want Me To Be

P.S. That perfume you smell is Fantasy by Britney Spears.

6. Dear Hamburger Helper Puppet Hand,

You kept your promise! You are always watching over me! I love you, Dad!

Your little hamburgette,






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