The Monday Catchup

Today marks the four year anniversary of the death of devoted Kenyon staff member, Gourdzilla. Gourdzilla’s death in 2013 was unexpected. She suffered a heart attack while driving home from work. Her car swerved and met a telephone pole just off of 279. She was declared dead upon impact. When our campus was rocked by news of her death, students came out in droves to share fond memories. Sam Spam ’11 delivered this eulogy at Gourdzilla’s funeral service.

“We are all shocked by the sudden passing of our sweet Gourdzilla. Born Gourdzilla Octavia Stephens, she adopted the moniker ‘Gourdzilla’ as a result of her offensively massive size. Our love was directly proportional to that size. All 1,084 pounds of her will be missed. Rest in peace, Gourd-y.”

I implore you to take a moment of silence today to commemorate our favorite fallen gourd, whether you knew her personally or not. May her soul guide you each and every day. May her morbid, gourd-bid obesity touch you in ways you haven’t even considered. I hope she appeared to you this weekend. In fact, how was your weekend?

“Halloweekend is gonna be better.”

“Chanticleer put every acapella group on this campus to shame. They would wipe their butts with the Kokosingers and eat Mannerchor for breakfast.”

Ahh I can hear Gourdzilla’s voice in those remarks. She did watch over you this weekend. Hope she sees you doing the following this week.

What:  From the Ashes Screening

  • The Office of the President is pleased to announce the opportunity to attend a film screening of “From the Ashes,” a groundbreaking new documentary. Presented by National Geographic Channel, the film takes a compelling and often heartbreaking look at America’s coal and mining industry and what’s at stake for our economy, health and climate.
  • Join us after the show for a crafting session! We will be taking cigarette butt ashes and turning them into slime!

When: Wednesday, October 25 at 8:00pm to 9:30pm

Where: Gund Gal

 

What: Founders’ Day & Matriculation

  • Founders’ Day celebrates the unbroken line of people who have formed the College’s strong foundation, from Bishop Philander Chase and his benefactors to all the members of the present-day administration, faculty, staff and student body. Following the ceremony, the incoming class plants a tree on the College grounds. The day’s events also include the Founders’ Memorial, the presentation of Philander Chase Medals for Distinguished Service and the Matriculation Oath. After taking the oath, students sign the College’s Matriculation Book.
  • Fun Fact: The Class of 2019 opted to plant a shrub instead of a tree. The shrub sits right outside President Decatur’s abode. We are his favorite.
  • Fun Fact: The shrub is set to be a topiary of sorts. It’s likeness will resemble me.
  • Class schedule changes, you dumbos.

When: Thursday, October 26 at 11:10am to 12:00pm

Where: R0$$3 BABY!

 

What:  Colla Voce and Ransom Notes Concert at the Quarry Chapel

  • The Friends of the Quarry Chapel will host a concert on October 29 featuring two Kenyon a cappella groups, Colla Voce and the Ransom Notes. Parking is available.
  • YoU ShUd CoME FEr ThE NOIzse makinG fr0M thE VoC@l cordz of ANG3ls.
  • I saw a wolf spider in the Quarry Chapel once!

When: Sunday, October 29 at 3:00pm to 4:00pm

Where: Quarry Chapel (10930 Quarry Chapel Road)

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