From Forbes to the Huffington Post, Kenyon College has consistently ranked as one of America’s Most Beautiful Smelling Campuses. Ask any Kenyon student and they will take great pride in this honor. “Aroma was by far the biggest factor in my college decision process,” comments Napoleon Weiner ’21 “Kenyon offers the bestest smell for its buck.” But Kenyon students were in for an unpleasant surprise last Monday morning when they rolled out of bed and stepped outside. Rather than waking up to smell the coffee, all of Gambier awoke and was bombarded with the smell of poop–a poop that would linger for weeks to come.

“It’s just…it’s just so hard to believe, you know?” Weiner sniffles through tears, “How could something so tragic happen here on our hill?” Multiple theories sought to explain Gambier’s atrocious aroma. While some pointed fingers at female Ginkgo trees in heat, others held their noses and blamed the use of manure in nearby farms. However, it was Kenyon’s own Willy Decayturd, Dean of Student Hygiene, that discovered the source of the stench to be lurking beneath our own hineys this entire time.

“You know how the saying goes,” explains Decayturd,”If it smells like shit everywhere you go, maybe it’s time to check your ass crack.”

That’s right folks. The source of Kenyon’s perpetual stank, the stench staining our institution’s historical reputation, is the residual poopoo stuck between your nether-cheeks. Decayturd cites how college students’ failure to adapt to the campus one-ply toilet paper has culminated in Kenyon’s poop smell problems. “Kenyon students just need to learn how to really get in there,” Decayturd shrugs.

In order to combat the perpetual poop smell, the Office of Student Hygiene will produce informational posters to be hung up in the bathroom stalls instructing students on how to properly wipe and will host multiple workshops at the health center on butthole cleanliness.