Campo Officer Turns Into John Stamos With New Campus Safety System

A small, fortunate portion of Kenyon College has been graced with the presence of a rapid knock on your door, the sweet coo of a campo officer announcing their name, and the hectic shuffling of items before opening the door and trying to nonchalantly say hello without pissing your pants.

For me, it started off normal. The campo officer gave me a talk about the rules on campus. Student I.D. numbers were exchanged, names were written down on the small, college ruled notebook they carry around to pretend like they’re detectives. I was about to accept defeat.  I pictured the sweet, comforting face of Mike Durham and was ready to face the consequences.

But something changed. Before my eyes, the young campo officer transformed. His hair grew longer, darker, pushed back into a mullet, matching his now dark bushy eyebrows. No longer was he wearing the bulky, navy outfit of a campus safety officer, but an oversized plaid button down over a white wife beater, his dark chest hair intertwining with his staple gold chain.

“Michelle, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” In front of me, Uncle Jesse ran his fingers through his hair and put down his pad of paper. The room erupted into the sound of 90’s style music. The sentimental ring of saxophones playing in the background alerted me of an upcoming commercial break.

“I’m not even mad that you did it. I’m just mad that you lied to me. Life is all about first impressions, and seeing you in the hallway like a deer in headlights clutching a half cup of lukewarm beer wasn’t a good one. We all have to make hard choices, Michelle, I’m just here to make sure you make the right ones. Capice?”

Uncle Jesse left the room with a wink, the sweet sound of the Full House theme song leading him out as I stood there, stunned. A day later, I decided to get to the bottom of this. I contacted the Director of Campus Safety to inquire about their new Replacements Program.

“We discovered that students respond better to familiar faces that invoke a sense of nostalgia and a fear of disappointment. We instated the Replacements Program to simulate the feeling of discomfort you felt when you were a child getting grounded for the first time.”

While the Uncle Jesse Replacement is only in beta-testing at the moment, the Director of Campus Safety said the results have been overwhelmingly positive.

“Many students have responded well to The Replacements Program so far. The most popular reaction is a sensation of regression and a deep feeling of disappointment. Most students have turned to self-regulation, sending themselves to bed without supper and even grounding themselves from All-Campuses.”

The Kenyon Administration is looking forward to rolling out other replacement options, such as Billy Ray Cyrus, Mr. Feeny, and Joffrey Baratheon for the really severe cases. When asked to comment, The Kenyon Administration enthusiastically said they felt that this new technology was the best way to spend a portion of the $75 million donation. The Administration went on to say that they feel that the Replacement Program fits in with the current paternalistic administrative policies. The whole line of Replacements will be announced Spring of 2018.

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