The first time I experienced true sexual attraction was in April of 2009, when Dylan and Cole Sprouse teamed up with Dannon to launch a Danimals Crush-Cups sweepstakes. The deal was, if you made a video promoting Crush-Cups, submitted it, and won, you would win 10,000 dollars and get to hang in Hollywood with America’s most successfully pubescent twins. One morning, I awoke from a dream in which I had won the competition, was wealthy with yogurt money, and was hanging out on a boat with Dylan and Cole. They were wearing the red t-shirts from the commercial, and were being very kind to me. They were hot, and offered me free, liquid yogurt, so I was intrigued to say the least.
The following nights, I tried to summon the dream again, but it never worked. Eventually, I forgot about the Disney stars, and for the next 8 years, focused my energy on other men who would never love me. But, last Tuesday, two different people told me to watch Riverdale, and I remembered the Sprouses, and their yogurt.
I was a big fan of Archie comics when I was in my early tween. I deemed myself a “Betty” because she was blonde, (just like me!) and Veronica reminded me of my more competitive, flirty best friend, so I was sold on the franchise. Logically speaking, together, my Archie Comics appreciation, and yogurt based sexual awakening, would be reason enough to watch Riverdale. But I probably won’t. I already sold my soul to Netflix and watched 13 Reasons Why, and I hate danimals now because I’m a Young Adult who likes her yogurt firm and bitter.