There’s a girl. She sits in the back corner table at Peirce. She wears three winter coats over her silk pajama shirt. She hides behind a stack of last Sunday’s quesadillas. She cries tears of French Vanilla coffee. Legend has it that when you walk near her table to get a bit of ketchup for your sweet potato fries, you can even hear her whisper “Compssssss” in the breeze. I want to go to her. I want to press my finger against her trembling lips. I want to tell her: “Shh. There’s another way. There has to be another way.” I want to tell her about…

…The creative option.

That’s right: many academic departments offer a “creative option” for comps, established for those of us who want to show we care but would rather not endure early onset stress balding pre-family-graduation-photos. So, girl at the back corner table in Peirce — my unstoppable, glamorous freight train — before you take another bite of that crusty case-o-dill, consider the following, lesser known alternative prompts for comps.

1. English Majors: You must navigate through the science quad with nothing but the 2020 plan to guide your way. Occasionally, obstacles will arise. Dodge them to win small prizes like an all expenses paid trip to Cleveland’s Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame.
2. Sociology Majors: You are given a 1,500 piece puzzle of three puppies cuddling. In the allotted hour, complete this puzzle. When you finish, softly shout “Capitalism” to notify the proctors that you’re done.
3. Biology Majors: In the style of famous Japanese game show Tokio vs. Arashi Ultraman Dash, you are presented with several items of basic furniture and an array of other items. Through the process of biting or licking, you will have to determine whether these items are chocolate or not in front of a live studio audience.
4. Political Science Majors: Fix “it.” You know.
5. Econ Majors: Choreograph a dance to The O’Jays’ “For the Love of Money” to be performed in the soon-to-be West Quad (the Wuad?). Each move must be carefully considered so that the dance seamlessly closes on a dramatic presentation of Our Anonymous Donor. Audience applauds.
6. Psychology Majors: Quick! Help me learn how to be happy.