co-authored by Editor-in-Chief and Aries sun Shayne Wagner! 

Sup, Nachos! Feeling like you’re lost? Descending into an abyss of school work and seasonal affective disorder? Well, we’re here to give you some direction. Here’s a new Kenyon Zodiac for you to sink your teeth into. This time, the signs as all-campus parties! You know them, you love them, you’ve probably cried at at least one of them!

Aries- Shock your Mom. Everyone knows about you, loves you, and is slightly afraid of what you will bring to the table. 

Taurus- Sax on the Beach. You’re a healthy combination of a reliable good time and raw brute force. 

Gemini- Deb Ball. You’re drunk Gemini. And probably wearing a wig. 

Cancer- Party where you got so drunk and emotional you cry in the bathroom all night. Oh Cancer, go home.

Leo- Safari Party. You’re a handful, Leo. Also very sweaty. 

Virgo- Stash Bash. Virgo you’re a modest bash, but anyone who gets to know you knows you’re a good time. 

Libra- 90s Party. We get it, Libra. You’re charming and pretty universally appealing, 

Scorpio- Halloween. We all know you’re a spooky bitch Scorpio. You’re chilly, but have the odd ability to bring everyone on this campus together?? 

Sagittarius- EDM does EDM. Oh Sagittarius, you came into this school year so optimistic. 

Capricorn- The one you go to at 11 (AND HOME BY 12). 

Aquarius- Canadian tuxedo. The friendliest of all the all-campuses. 

Pisces- Summer of Love. You’ve got all of our backs, Pisces.