The Benefits of Crystal Head Vodka

Dan Aykroyd, famed comedian and actor in such films as Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers, and Coneheads is a multitalented man. Not only is he a screenwriter, SNL alum, and co-founder of the House of Blues, but he is also a businessman. Specifically, in the business of vodka. Crystal Head Vodka.

Yes, the guy with the funny nasally voice in Ghostbusters and probably in the background of some fever dream of a children’s movie you barely remember when you were six (I’m looking at you Christmas with the Kranks) created a brand of vodka called Crystal Head Vodka. As in, vodka that is served in a bottle that looks like a human skull. And really what other kind of skull could you serve it in?

Did you think I was joking?

This makes sense, given Aykroyd’s preference toward the “worlds of the spiritual and mystic” to quote him. Aykroyd thinks ghosts are real, and a threat. As are aliens, though the government will never tell us about that. This is all fitting given Aykroyd’s looney tunes preferences and beliefs.

Here’s what doesn’t. Not only is it inside a glass bottle shaped as the universal symbol for death (usually by murder) but it is a seven-times filtered vodka. As in, when they make this vodka, which is not special outside of the fact that it is served inside of a head, it goes through seven different processes of filtering and four distillation processes. Three of which by the way include “filtrations through Herkimer diamond crystals.” Don’t worry though, because in the middle of my clutching the skull bottle and screaming “People are starving and we’re filtering forty dollar vodka through diamonds? This is bonkers! This is the end!” I was informed that Herkimer diamonds are just a purposely misleading name for quartz. But if you’re trying to sell vodka whose gimmicks are 1) it comes in a halloween decoration and 2) is made by a Blues Brother, saying it is filtered through diamonds probably makes it sound very upper-crusty and special. Even if it’s obviously not, if you think about it. As a friend asked me,

“Filtering through diamonds, doesn’t do anything right?”

It’s supposed to make it more smooth, but I can honestly tell you (not from experience cough cough) that it does not.

Some fun facts about Crystal Head Vodka. The bottle is actually made with some crystal mixed in there. I don’t know how you can mix crystal into glass, but I am not a glassblower, and there are many things all around us that I think should be impossible. Like, I don’t understand where they find people to be in stock photos. Imagine that, there are entire companies, lining up props and models to take stock photos. Imagine a crowd of a dozen or so people in a waiting room, headshots and resumes in hand, waiting and hoping to make it into a watermarked picture of a smiling white guy in a tie holding balloons or something. And for what, huh? Why? Why do these exist?

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Another fun fact about Crystal Head vodka is that the box spells Dan Aykroyd’s name “Dan Ackroyd” which is insane considering that he literally made the company.

Crystal Head vodka is also 80 proof. Eighty. Proof. If that’s not reason enough to buy it, I don’t know what is. It’s also kosher and gluten-free. Do you need another reason to buy this?

How about the fact that Aykroyd had this idea in production at the same time (and unrelated to) the movie Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull came out. This was a case of parallel thought, do you understand? For one rare and precious moment a decade ago, crystal skulls were thoroughly present and relevant within mainstream popular culture. So was Bee Movie. 2007 truly was a wild time to be. It’s too bad I was only ten.

Aykroyd actually got nervous about this, and went to talk to Spielberg about it. Spielberg loved the idea and suggested that it be served at the premiere of the movie. Good idea too, given its strength. You’d certainly need a lot to make it through that movie.

Spielberg was at this time also in several trailers for Bee Movie, so just imagine what this man’s life was like at this time. 2007 truly was some kind of nexus point, where these here and all other points of culture connected and broke off from each other in tangents only to connect again, some kind of horrific rhizomatic assemblage of memes, alcohol, Shia LaBeouf, and bad ideas. This series of ideas were some peoples’ entire lives at one point in time.

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All of this by the way destroyed by the housing crisis to come, and only resurrected now ten years later, down a rabbit hole into a confused web of interrelated meaning and nonsense with no lesson to be learned, nothing to walk away with. Just because I bought my roommate vodka in a bottle shaped like everyone’s favorite corpse part.

I am still horrifically hungover.

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