Well, shit. Here I am, going out tonight even though I have enough work to fill an entire weekend. Maybe it’s because I’m a first year and maybe it’s because I’m just a dumbass, but I thought I’d share my cocktail for this weekend that isn’t technically the weekend before finals but still feels just as stressful. Hope you drink this and think about your days of being hungover in the McBride bathroom and being asked “who do you know here?” when you walk into an NCA.

Ingredients:

• Two shots of Kamchatka
• Whatever not alcoholic drink sounds appealing today and is sold in the market

Optional:

Garnished beer foam from an entirely tapped keg

A water bottle full of Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea from Peirce (alternative: water from the same fountain that just tastes vaguely like Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea)

Your roommate’s two days expired half and half

Wiggins Street Mocha after the ice has melted

Leftover chemical spill from the Market

Sweat from a shirtless Kenyon Lord Swimmer™

Amish cream cheese

 

Directions:

Take a Peirce cup, and then return it immediately because you know it will never get actually back to Peirce and that’s wasteful and a real dick move, anyway. Find the cleanest cup in your dorm room and pour in two shots of vodka. Ask the girl down the hall from you if your Gender Studies paper is due at 5 pm or midnight on Sunday. When you hear it’s due at midnight, reassure yourself that going out tonight is a good idea. Take a sip of your drink and remember it is just a cup of vodka at this point. Find your mixer of choice and make a really shitty cocktail. Go to an all-campus not wearing enough clothes because you’re still trying to impress a romantic partner at this weird school. Jump up and down with your peers for a little, then go home and help aforementioned girl down the hall from you while she throws up.