I Taped my Thumbs Down & Lived Life With Paddle Hands for Three Days

You know what they say about thumbs: can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. But is that so true after all? I decided to spend three days (Sunday to Tuesday) with my thumbs taped around my hands so I could laugh in the face of evolution. Ha! Doing so the week before finals was just an added extra because I’m a little stupid.

My words-per-minute rate dropped down to about 23 because I had to peck at the keys and the tape caused some decreased mobility in the rest of my fingers. I had an essay to write.
Me: 0
Evolution: 1

I dropped my phone down the stairs in the library atrium.
Me: 0
Evolution: 2

Every piece of food I tried to eat eventually fell apart because I had to hold it just by applying enough force on the left and right side to keep it up.
Me: 0
Evolution: 3

It turns out that you’re not supposed to keep your thumbs perfectly in line with the rest of your knuckles, and by the end of Sunday my bones started to hurt.
Me: 0
Evolution: 4

Someone asked me why there was electrical tape around my hands and when I explained why, they chuckled and said, “That’s a good one.”
Me: 1
Evolution: 4

Tuesday morning, I woke up in a state of utter defeat. I’ve spent two whole days being utterly useless, even the most basic of tasks proving ultimately impossible, and I have a whole day left. This is all I am and all I’ll ever be.
Me: 1
Evolution: 5

I dropped my phone again.
Me: 1
Evolution: 6

Wednesday morning, after my challenge was over, I forgot that I didn’t even need to do paddle hands anymore and brushed my teeth without thumbs.
Me: 2
Evolution: 6

The cast of Glee was in my top five Spotify artists of 2017 and even though that’s not a thumb-related defeat, it was still a defeat.
Me: 2
Evolution: 7

So I guess the takeaway is that millions of years of evolution and natural selection beat out a kid in college who does stupid things for attention.

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