Knox County Health Official Issues Warning On Ankle Frostbite Epidemic

Earlier today, Knox County Medical Officer of Health Bubba G. Shrimp issued an official warning in response to predictions of snow showers this weekend. “Winter is coming,” he said. “Please be aware that this county is facing an epidemic of ankle frostbite: cover your shins and be safe this holiday season.” According to his statement, Knox Community Hospital has treated an average of 175 Kenyon students for frostbite every year for the past five year. The cases all originate in the upper ankle region. He suspects that that the popularity of cuffed jeans among the Kenyon student body could be responsible.

A Minneapolis native, Mr. Shrimp is no stranger to frostbite cases. “An Ohio winter is quite different from a Minnesota winter, so when I started working here, I was surprised that the number of frostbite cases I saw annually didn’t really change,” Shrimp recalled. Knox Community Hospital staff noticed the trend in 2014 and has been working since then to identify the source of the atypical number of cases. “My team and I are finally able to say with confidence that the primary cause of our frostbite problem is rolled jeans,” Shrimp claimed in his statement, “Rolling one’s jeans to the point of exposing an inch or two of skin, while very much in style, exposes sensitive ankle skin to harsh winter temperatures.”

In his statement, Mr. Shrimp provided a list of alternative fashion choices students could make in order to preserve the well-being of their upper ankles. “This winter, please try unrolling your jeans. Just until we’re out of freezing temperatures. It’s not nearly as sexy as the ‘out in the open’ upper ankle style, but it’s the safest option,” he suggested.

When asked to comment on the warning, Ruby Tuesday ’18 said, “He can’t be serious. I’d rather drop out than walk into a classroom at Kenyon without pristinely rolling my jeans. My first year roommate withdrew second semester after accidentally going to Peirce with her jeans unrolled one time.” Buffalo W. Wings ’19 declined to comment, but it should be noted that he was shivering so much that it was hard to understand him. His ankles were out in the open.

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