Open wide! Time for your coffee enema!

While we’re at it, let’s start you on a five day trial of prescription drug abuse so you can write your paper for English 204 the night before its due. (Too bad you will still get a B- on it becuase you don’t know queer-theory, Judith Butler, or MLA format). At least you’re pretty and have the cash to blow on Adderall and Ritalin. Since you’ll do anything to get an A+, we will treat you to a coffee enema, Adderall, and an increadibly poor sleep schedule. This will ensure your success for years to come. If not, your parents will bankroll your future becuase they “love” you.

Smell ya later loser. This Type-A lady loves nothing more than a hard earned B. How was your weekend

“Smells like finals.”

“Smells like eggs.”

“I smell like finals eggs”

While you aren’t stressing here are things to do. Not that you’ll do any of them, because you MUST. GET. AN. A+. OR. YOUR. FUTURE. IS. RUINED.

What:  Leave for winter break.

• GET OFF MY LAWN

When: Not soon enough

Where: Anywhere but here