Welcome back all you baby birds to the sweet nest of Kenyon College. You got a chance to spread your wings and soar over break, and those drafty winds probably blew you towards all different sorts of culinary experiences. You went to good restaurants. Your parents cooked the meatballs you love so much, with the secret ingredient (paprika probably.) But now here we are, our wings tired from all that flapping, and we’re back in the sweet embrace of Mama Bird Peirce, which will chew up her meals and spit them into our dumb, gaping mouths just like she always has.

But Mama’s got some new options for her babies; she ain’t no one trick pony. Or bird. Bird-pony. An ostrich. I love free association.

So, what exactly are we dealing with here, you may ask. Here’s the down-low:

• Just in time for Flu Season 2018, lemon-lime Gatorade has found a home at the drink station. The sticky good drink is perfect for when all of you sickos drag yourselves to Peirce despite several emails from the health center and messages from the CDC telling you to stay in bed and not interact with other people. For once your selfishness is rewarded. Also, as a bonus, when the weather gets warmer and the SportBois start coming out into the world again, it’s a good drink to be dumped down the head, shoulders, and back of everyone who does something even mildly impressive with a football. Great.
• Smart Start cereal! So apparently this one is kind of a big deal (it was on Facebook so you know it means something) but I missed the boat a little. I wasn’t aware that Smart Start was a thing we’d ever had, because I’m a plebeian and a fool, but we had it, then lost it, and now regained it! It’s like some STIs but significantly better! I actually like it a lot, it’s sweet and tasty but not so sweet that you look at your bowl and think, “shit I’m eating just candy right now.” A cursory Google search has revealed to me that the top review of the cereal is “Quality ingredients – Tastes good” and really, what more needs to be said?
• Garrett has a new sweatshirt! Garrett is the muscley man who, I think, is some kind of allergy warrior, in that he fights to keep all the foods with allergens labeled properly, and make sure no one has any accidental allergic reactions. I assume, because of his large forearms and pectorals, he also somehow physically fights allergens, beating them into submission daily to keep Peirce’s babies safe. Normally he wears button-ups which aren’t enough to conceal his bulging biceps, but I recently saw him wearing what was either a fleece zip-up or a full-zip sweatshirt, in a deep maroon color, which is nice! I don’t know much about Garrett, really, or his strong man quest against unsafe food, but I genuinely do like and respect what he does for us. Watch this space for more Garrett content, probably.
• For dinner recently there was “““pizza””” covered in sliced peaches, which is an affront to God and gave me a terrible nightmare. I hate that it exists and I want to fight whatever evil food scientist Peirce employs to make these Frankenstein-esque creations. I will find you, mad doctor. You know not what your pride hath wrought.
• Molasses oatmeal raisin cookies! Tasty!

The new semester is off to a great start, and I hope Peirce’s new additions please you all. And just remember: it’s the only dining hall we have.