They say money can’t buy you happiness. But money can buy one large pizza from the Domino’s app after a classic Friday night spent nursing a bottle of the Market’s cheapest wine and musing on the cinematic genius that is Valentine’s Day (2010). After many weekends following this routine on a futile search for the aforementioned concept of “happiness,” numerous Kenyon students find themselves in need of a profit-making venture. However, at a college that employs three stray cats for every one human faculty-member, snagging a job ain’t easy!
The Kenyon Thrill is an establishment built to help you help yourself. As such, we have compiled a list of ways to make money without even trying! As my Facebook ads always say, “You won’t believe how these young people are earning money!”
- Become a niche street performer. Kenyon College is all about preparing students for the “real world.” With 73% of Kenyon alums working as Sesame Street impersonators in Times Square, it seems like there’s no better way to prep for life outside of Kenyon than by using the bustling streets of Gambier as practice! All you need is a cable knit sweater and your best wide-eyed stare of love-struck incredulity. Parents of prospective students who have a deep respect for the craft, will certainly throw a few dollars your way!
- Participate in the new Kenyon Buildings and Grounds Committee Contest. The Kenyon Buildings and Grounds Committee recently unveiled a new all-campus contest: “Accurately describe the basic details of the 2020 plan and receive full paid tuition!” The premise of the contest is an extremely challenging one, but, as they say, “The harder the journey, the bigger the reward.” (No one says this. But I’m sure they would, if they heard it!)
- Live as a troll. Two years ago, the GAP Trail troll accepted a position at Oberlin…leaving the BFEC Bridge unprotected! Gather up three of your best riddles, and get a-crouching!
- Join HelpLime. Everyone’s familiar with Kenyon’s greatest resource, Helpline. Not many people know about HelpLime, however, which works to provide the Kenyon Community with the limes they need for weekend mixed drinks made from “whatever is left over”. From what I’ve heard, they’re always hiring!
- Sell your dorm room. Being that the campus is turning every student parking space into ball pits, you might have success auctioning off your dorm room for various members of the community to park in! The string lights and leftover Peirce cups will add an ambiance sure to convince customers to shell out cash.
- Babysit your professor. Outside of class-time and office hours, the College doesn’t officially provide Decatur any form of professor-care. It’s been a constant mental battle as to whether he should go back to work or continue to stay at home to feed, clothe, and raise the professors. Everyone knows he’s always looking for a little help, and will pay extra on weekends!
- Be a dog. Everyone loves dogs, and dogs don’t need to have money because they don’t have any purses to put it in!