The stars tells us a lot about how we live, how we love, and whether or not we read the instructions before microwaving hot pockets. These celestial objects can also help us to understand the way we process emotion. Here’s how you cry in Peirce based on your zodiac sign.
Taurus: Ever so practical, the Taurus goes straight for the napkin dispenser to dry up their leaky eyeholes. Unfortunately, these brown paper hankies are overwhelmingly ineffective for soaking up any form of spilled liquid. At least they have great personalities!
Gemini: Daring and exciting, why not cry in a public place? Take yourself right to the hottest Comfort line and put on a show! When the nearest well-meaning but over-involved CA refers you to the Counseling Center, be sure to point at your tear-covered self in faux-confusion and wave off their referrals with a nonchalant and TOTALLY CONVINCING chuckle.
Scorpio: Always passionate, when you feel that your face is beginning to rain, you turn to the nearest Modern Languages and Literature table in lower Peirce and make intimate, rigorous eye contact with the Russian lit kid near you. “What is love?” you whisper, as a single tear streams down your cheek and you bite into your mostly-olive quesadilla. To your shock, he responds. “They’re serving Butter Cake for dessert today.”
Libra: The Libra: fair, gracious, and the reason this week’s Creamy Tom-Tom soup is a bit extra salty. You do you, Lib-aracci. You do you.
Leo: Leo, leo, leo. Your arrogance makes you believe you can avoid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and overcome life’s inherent misery without once crying from your eyeball. Boy, are you wrong! Before you can finish the sentence, “I’ve never cried in Peirce!” you’re struck by the realization that life is fleeting and so is love. Race to the gluten-free section: no one will see you in the shadows of vegan shame! Just make sure your tears are wheat-free.
Aquarius: At even the slightest hint of trauma in the omelette line, your free-spirited soul dissolves completely, and you become just another filling option for other students’ egg pockets. Students will be shocked and tantalized by the new meat alternative or veggie addition, but fellow water signs will know you gave up your quirky existence to avoid re-living last night’s tear-stained goodbyes!
Pisces: A classic Pisces will feel that tingle for tears and turn to their closest friend to share whatever nightmare they’re living; by talking about your darkest fears, surely you can avoid crying about it, right? Jokes on you, fish kid: Your friend decided the fries weren’t worth it and left you in line alone! Your feelings never mattered to them anyway!
Aries: In an effort to distract from your crippling depression and public display of emotion, you hold up a Peirce cup in the middle of the Atrium and ask one simple, life-confounding question: Is…this water?
Cancer: Crab chick! Yeah you! You’re one moody boy, which means salty discharge is always on the menu. In a beige Sustain-a-mug celebrating Grandmother Appreciation Day, you save your Peirce tears for later, to grow your very own Barack Obama Chia pet. Forty-fourth President? Well, it’s the forty-fifth day in a row crying over hashbrowns.
Virgo: Oh-so shy…when you feel a spasm of Leaky Tearduct Syndrome, you race for the hills…literally! Run down the back stairs and to the open field behind Peirce, because if you sing “The Hills are Alive” loud enough and with enough of Julie Andrews’ spirit in your lungs it’ll be like you’re not crying at all! Except you are! You really, really are!
Capricorn: You’re responsible. You’re disciplined. And a solid sesh of misty-eyed magic in the line for Tofu Pad Thai is no exception! The best way to recover without anyone noticing is to remember that your brain starts to deteriorate at age 27. You only have a few more years of complex, intimate emotion before you become a shell of what you once were!
Sagittarius: You’ve really done it now, Saggy Maggy. Too curious for your own good, you watched all twelve minutes of Kylie Jenner’s birth video, and now you simply can’t stop the stream of tears leaking down your cheeks. We wish we had advice for you on this one, but there’s no escaping the emotional resonance of this one fact: it seems 2017 was actually the year of realizing things.
I hate this so much and I laughed a LOT